


Operation Oh Deer

by arbeana



Series: To The Moon and Back [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, F/M, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Sirius Black and Remus Lupin Raise Harry Potter, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2021-01-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:35:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28404855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arbeana/pseuds/arbeana
Summary: Back at it again with another self-indulgent texting AU, this time featuring: even more self-indulgence
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: To The Moon and Back [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2080392
Comments: 80
Kudos: 285





	1. mon petit

**Author's Note:**

> Hi my name is [redacted] and my hobbies include taking 6 months to write a sequel. sorry for the wait folks but i'm a full time student and also i have ~depression~ so this is just the rate at which i work

**12:52pm, Wednesday, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ bad girls club _

Draco: i think i’ve made a terrible mistake

Pansy: is it that u wore ur red sweater again

Draco: omg what??

Draco: i love this sweater

Blaise: it washes out your complexion

Draco: my mom got it for me!

Pansy: ur mom shouldve kept it

Draco: i’m leaving now

Blaise: no tell us your mistake

Draco: i got lunch with harry and his friends

Pansy: yea we noticed :/

Draco: and i accidentally spilled coffee

Draco: all down ron’s front

Blaise: i have questions

Pansy: yea me too

Blaise: who is ron

Pansy: and why is that a terrible mistake

Draco: omg

Draco: ron is harry’s best friend

Blaise: oh i see

Pansy: i dont see

Draco: now ron’s gonna hate me

Draco: and then harry’s gonna hate me cause ron hates me

Blaise: it was just coffee

Blaise: it’s not like you killed him

Pansy: did u kill him??

Draco: i might as well have!!!

Pansy: was it hot coffee?

Draco: well no

Draco: but it’ll probably never come out of his shirt

Pansy: i have an idea

Draco: ??

Pansy: spill coffee down ur own front

Draco: what?

Pansy: that’ll make ur sweater look nicer

Draco: i

Draco: hate u

Blaise: i have a better idea

Blaise: just apologize

Draco: do you think he’d forgive me???

Blaise: that’s generally how apologies work

**1:01pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ Golden trio xxx _

Ron: I hate that blond boy

Harry: omg no you don’t 

Ron: Yes I do

Hermione: Where are you guys? You’re late for biology

Ron: We told you we were going to wash off my shirt 

Hermione: Surely it doesn’t take 10 minutes to wash coffee out of a shirt

Ron: It’s an expensive shirt!!

Harry: what

Harry: i was with you when you bought it

Harry: it was 3 dollars at goodwill

Ron: Not the point

Ron: It looked expensive

Ron: And now it looks like a dog pooped down my front

Harry: ew

Hermione: Please hurry up

Hermione: Sprout will give you detention for being late

Ron: Sprout wouldn’t do that, she likes Harry

Harry: yeah and i already have detention

Harry: i can’t get another one

Hermione: I don’t think that’s how detention works

Ron: Yeah it’s not

Harry: a boy can dream

**2:14pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: Dad look who it is 

[Harry sent a picture]

Dad: Omg

Dad: my beautiful husband

Dad: look at him in his little class

Dad: in his little tie

Dad: he’s so handsome

Harry: lmao Dad you’re a simp

Dad: I have no idea what that means

Dad: But I agree

Harry: lmao Dad

Dad: Please send me more pictures of my husband

Harry: coming right up sir

**2:25pm, Remus’ phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Remus: Will you two stop texting?

Love: no I will not

Cub: i don’t think i’m physically capable

Remus: Harry is supposed to be writing a paper!

Cub: again

Cub: i’m not physically capable

Love: how did you know I was the one texting Harry?

Remus: Harry only texts three other people

Remus: The chances of it being you were pretty high

Harry: i resent

Harry: that statement

Remus: Ron, Hermione, and Draco

Remus: Who else do you text?

Harry: I text Nevile sometimes

Love: Cheating in biology doesn’t count

Remus: HARRY JAMES

Harry: omg i don’t!!!!

Love: LMAO

Remus: Harry James Potter are you cheating in biology?

Harry: no!!!

Harry: Dad is lying!!!

Love: lmao Babe I was joking

Remus: I don’t think I trust either of you

Harry: Papa i Swear i’m innocent

Remus: Go write your essay

**2:50pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: how’s ron?

Harry: ?

Harry: good why?

Draco: will you tell him i said i’m sorry?

Harry: sorry for what?

Draco: omg i spilled coffee on him remember

Harry: ooooh yeah lmao

Harry: that was so funny

Draco: ???

Harry: what?

Draco: is he angry? does he hate me?

Harry: haha no of course not

Harry: why would he hate you?

Draco: because

Draco: i spilled 

Draco: coffee on him

Draco: remember

Harry: Draco it wasn’t hot coffee

Draco: but i ruined his shirt

Harry: we washed it out in the sink, it was fine

Harry: Ron thought it was funny

Harry: look

[Harry sent a screenshot]

Draco: omg

Draco: he said he hates me!!!

Harry: yeah but he was just being dramatic

Harry: that means he doesn’t really care

Draco: that doesn’t

Draco: make any 

Draco: sense

Harry: that’s Ron

Draco: please just apologize to him for me

Harry: i’ll consider it

**2:58pm, Draco’s phone**

Group chat: _ bad girls club _

Draco: okay so i was wrong 

Blaise: that makes sense

Pansy: what else is new

Draco: apparently ron doesn’t hate me

Draco: but i do hate both of you

Pansy: awww we love you too draco <3

Draco: :/

**4:07pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: okay but

Draco: okay but?

Harry: do you think you could get me a set of snape’s keys?

Draco: omg

Draco: i am not encouraging this ridiculous plan

Harry: it’s not ridiculous

Harry: it’s hilarious

Draco: you’ll be expelled

Harry: no i won’t

Harry: i won’t get caught

Draco: knowing you, you’d get caught even if you were invisible

Harry: i could do it with your help

Draco: well unfortunately

Draco: i’m not gonna help you

Harry: :(

Draco: making cute faces won’t help you

Harry: was that a cute face?

Draco: i thought so

Harry: would i be cute if i made that face?

Draco: i’m not answering that question

Harry: i’m gonna take you not answering as a yes

**4:33pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ Golden trio xxx _

Ron: River time after Harry’s detention?

Harry: yes yes yes

Hermione: Sorry, no

Ron: Hermy noooo

Harry: awwww mione

Hermione: I have to work on Mr. Lupin’s essay

Hermione: And you two need to too!

Harry: you know mr Lupin is my dad right

Harry: you have slept on his couch

Harry: you’ve had christmas with him

Harry: you can just call him Remus

Hermione: That’s not appropriate while we’re at school!

Ron: Harry calls him Papa

Ron: In the middle of class

Hermione: That’s because Harry has never understood boundaries

Harry: hey!!

Harry: you take that back

Ron: She can’t take it back

Ron: She’s right

**4:54pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: hey want to come to the river with me and Ron?

Harry: like once i get out of detention

Draco: did ron invite me?

Harry: well

Harry: no

Harry: but i’m inviting you!

Draco: omg no!!

Harry: why not?

Draco: i’m not gonna infringe on your friendship soulmate time

Harry: you can infringe all you want, i don’t mind

Harry: and then you can apologize to Ron like you wanted

Draco: omg i asked you to apologize to him

Harry: and i said i would think about it

Harry: and my thoughts said no

Draco: well i’m thinking about the river

Draco: and my thoughts are saying no

Harry: pleaseeeeee Draco

Draco: no

Harry: you can bring Pansy!!

Draco: why would i bring pansy?

Harry: it’ll be like a double date!

Draco: with ron dating pansy?

Harry: no with me dating Ron and you dating Pansy

Draco: that’s not how it works

Harry: that’s how i’ve decided it works

**7:39pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Harry James Potter

Cub: I feel like you’ve been calling me that a lot lately

Remus: Why did Ms. McGonagall just tell me you’re in the infirmary?

Cub: i’m not sure

Cub: it might be because i’m in the infirmary

Remus: I’m on my way

Cub: Papa it’s okay you don’t have to come

Remus: I’m coming.

Remus: Would you like to tell me why you’re in the infirmary?

Cub: do I have a choice?

Remus: No.

Cub: right so

Cub: i was hanging out by the river with Ron and Draco and Pansy

Cub: and i got too close to the water

Cub: and i slipped and fell

Remus: Harry James.

Cub: but it isn’t a big deal

Cub: because my leg broke my fall

Cub: but also i cut open my leg on a rock

Remus: Harry!!

Cub: Papa it’s really not that serious

Cub: Madam Pomfrey said i don’t even need stitches

Remus: You’re never going to the river again

Cub: Papa!!

Cub: the river is fun!!

Remus: What is fun about dirty river water?

Cub: i don’t know

Cub: there are geese?

Remus: I reiterate

Remus: You are never going to the river again

Cub: Can i go to the forest instead?

Remus: I change my mind

Remus: You are never leaving the building again

**9:44pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Have fun sleeping in the infirmary Cubby

Cub: you didn’t even Try to get Pomfrey to let me go

Remus: You have to deal with the consequences of your actions

Cub: but consequences are gross

Remus: Well maybe you’ll remember that the next time you want to climb down rocky river banks

Cub: i honestly won’t

Remus: And speaking of consequences

Cub: don’t tell me i’m grounded again

Remus: No, but I am telling your father

Cub: actually

Cub: I’d prefer to be grounded

Remus: Pffft

Remus: I’m calling him as soon as I get back to my room

Cub: he’s going to be

Cub: So Dramatic

Remus: Well maybe you’ll remember that too the next time you want to climb river banks

Cub: Papa

Cub: let’s be realistic

Cub: I’m not gonna remember anything

**9:59pm, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Sirius: HARRY.

Pup: hi Dad :)

Sirius: HARRY

Sirius: JAMES

Sirius: POTTER

Pup: that is my name

Sirius: mon petit

Pup: you know i don’t speak french

Babe: Wow he must be really upset to break out the French

Sirius: what

Sirius: ON EARTH

Sirius: Do you think you were doing???

Pup: you know

Pup: i feel like Papa is rubbing off on you 

Pup: and idk if i like that

Babe: I like it

Sirius: Answer the question!!

Pup: i was just loitering by the river

Pup: i didn’t know that water made things slippery

Sirius: Why were you even hanging out at the river  


Sirius: What possessed you

Pup: the only other place to hang out is the forest

Babe: How is that the only other place?

Pup: and the forest has killer wolves

Babe: I don’t think that’s true

Sirius: And why on earth were you climbing rocks

Pup: that’s a long of a story

Sirius: I have nothing but time Harry

Pup: okay so

Pup: the story is

Pup: i was trying to impress a boy

Babe: Oh my

Sirius: that’s the whole story?

Pup: yes

Pup: i guess it wasn’t actually that long

_ 5 minutes later _

Sirius: I can’t even be mad

Sirius: because I would’ve done the same thing

Babe: Sirius!


	2. lunch time special

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i plan to update this fic once a day like i did with the last one but my sleep schedule is so jacked that i never have any idea what day it is so it might be more like twice a day

**Thursday, 7:45am, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ la famille _

Mom: Good morning dear family!!!!

_ 10 minutes later _

Mom: I’m still waiting for an answer.

Father: Good morning, Love.

_ 10 minutes later _

Mom: Draco.

Draco: morning mom

Mom: Good morning sweetheart

**8:12am, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: Is it normal

Sirius: that I wake up missing you?

Sirius: that I fall asleep dreaming of you and wake up thinking about you?

Babe: Are you drunk?

Babe: At 8am on a Thursday?

Sirius: yes

Sirius: drunk on love

Babe: Oh my

**9:36am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: partners for this project?

Ron: Oof sorry Harry

Harry: ??

Ron: I already promised Hermione I’d be her partner

Harry: how

Harry: dare you

Ron: I’m sorry!!

Harry: :(((((

Ron: We’ll be partners for the next one

Harry: I don’t think i’ll make it to the next one

Harry: i’ll perish without you first

Ron: Yeah but I’ll fail without Hermione

Harry: okay that’s fair

**11:50am, Remus’ phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Remus: Lunch, Cubby?

Cub: omg

Cub: yes yes yes

Love: can I come too?

Remus: Yes of course

Remus: Would you like to teleport here? 

Remus: Or astral project?

Love: you can’t see my face

Love: But it’s angry

Remus: I can imagine

Love: How do you know I’m not driving to the school right now?

Love: To surprise you and Harry?

Cub: omg please say you are

Remus: I know you’re not because I can see your location

Cub: :(

[Love stopped sharing their location with Remus]

Remus: Oh my god Sirius do not do that

Love: but it ruins the element of surprise!

Remus: Sirius.

Love: right

[Love started sharing their location with Remus]

**12:04pm, Draco’s phone**

[Pansy created a new group chat]

[Pansy named the group chat  _ lunch time special _ ]

Pansy: let’s all get lunch together

Pansy: since our best friends are joined at the hip

Ron: ? Sorry who is this

Pansy: pansy parkinson, draco’s better half

Blaise: blaise zabini, pansy’s better half

Draco: sorry

Draco: where’s harry?

Pansy: omg awww

Pansy: do u miss ur little boyfriend

Draco: no

Blaise: of course he does

Draco: i’m just worried about his well being

Blaise: that means of course i do

Ron: Harry gets lunch with his dad sometimes

Pansy: omg awww

Draco: is that your response to everything?

Pansy: yes

Blaise: okay but where are you ron and hermione?

Hermione: We have a project to work on for history, so we’re going to eat lunch in the library

Hermione: But we can get lunch together next time!

Pansy: isnt the history project due in like 3 weeks

Pansy: why are you working on it now

Ron: Hermione’s just like that

Hermione: Be quiet Ronald

Pansy: omg not ronald

Hermione: It’s Ronald Bilius, actually

Blaise: HAHA not bilius!!!

Ron: I already don’t like this group chat

**12:24pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

[Harry sent a picture]

[Harry sent a picture]

[Harry sent a picture]

Papa: Harry, we’re supposed to be having lunch, not a photoshoot

Dad: don’t make him stop!

Harry: Papa Dad misses you

Harry: he needs pictures of you

Dad: Exactly!

Papa: Pictures of me eating a sandwich?

Harry: probably

Dad: Precisely

Papa: What could you possibly do with all these pictures?

Dad: I put them as my homescreen

Harry: awww

Papa: Oh my

Papa: I hope you don’t

**12:28pm, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: I’d tell you what I actually do with the pictures

Sirius: but I wouldn’t want to traumatize Harry

Babe: You are

Babe: Disgusting

**12:29pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: what did you say?

Dad: ?

Harry: why’s Papa blushing?

Papa: I’m not

Dad: He’s not

Harry: he is

Dad: anyway

Dad: Let’s talk about Draco

Harry: what??

Papa: Lmao great segue

Harry: segue??

Dad: segue??

Papa: Have you never heard that word?

Harry: i don’t even know how to pronounce that word

Papa: Oh no

Papa: Cubby you need to start reading more

Harry: absolutely not

Dad: what I’m trying to say is

Dad: Is Draco coming home with you tomorrow?

Harry: why would he be?

Dad: so I can meet him

Harry: oh

Harry: i don’t know about that

Dad: What?? Why?

Harry: Draco is kind of scared of you

Papa: Pffft

Dad: Why’s he scared of me?

Harry: you’re overprotective

Dad: no I’m not!

Papa: Yes you are

Harry: yes you are

Harry: remember the time Fred tried to marry me?

Dad: You were too young to be getting married!!

Papa: He was five

Papa: It was a game

Dad: It was inappropriate!

Dad: And Fred was way too old for him!

Papa: Oh my god he was seven

Papa: And it was a game

Harry: and this is why Draco’s scared

Dad: Well too bad

Dad: Draco is coming over this weekend so I can meet him

Papa: But not tomorrow

Dad: Why not tomorrow?

Papa: Harry has to have the talk, remember?

Harry: oh no

Dad: I honestly forgot

Harry: you know what? I’ll just spend the weekend at Ron’s

**2:03pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: how’s your leg doing?

Harry: it may never heal

Draco: omg what??

Harry: but i’m tough

Harry: i’m manly

Draco: :/

Harry: i can still provide for us

Draco: how is your leg Actually doing?

Harry: it’s good

Harry: Pomfrey wrapped it and it doesn’t even hurt

Harry: and she said i can get the bandages off on Monday

Draco: okay good

Harry: were you worried about me?

Draco: of course not

Draco: i don’t get worried

Harry: oh really?

Draco: yes

Harry: cause you looked pretty worried

Draco: no i didn’t

Harry: i’m pretty sure i saw tears in your eyes when i fell

Draco: you didn’t

Harry: when i was fading in and out of consciousness i swear i could hear you begging me to stay with you

Draco: okay you definitely weren’t fading in and out of consciousness

Harry: well it felt like i was

Draco: well you’re dramatic

Harry: well i get it from you

Draco: that’s not true

Draco: you get it from sirius

Harry: LMAO

Harry: okay you’re right

_ 11 minutes later _

Harry: also speaking of my dad

Draco: ?

Harry: he still wants to meet you

Draco: oh no

Harry: can you come over this saturday?

Draco: do i have a choice?

Harry: i doubt it

Draco: ughhh okay fine

Draco: but im running at the first sign of trouble

**3:05pm, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: I have a question

Sirius: what are we giving Harry the talk for?

Babe: What?

Sirius: What are we giving him the talk for?

Babe: What do you mean?

Sirius: ?

Sirius: we already taught him about puberty and where babies come from

Babe: Yes

Babe: But now he has a boyfriend

Sirius: Yes don’t remind me

Babe: Sirius

Babe: We have to talk him about having sex

Sirius: WHAT

Sirius: ASLKDJF what????

Babe: What?

Sirius: he’s too young to have sex!!!

Babe: Sirius, he’s 16

Babe: He’s going to do stuff whether we want him to or not

Sirius: I can’t believe this 

Sirius: you’re going to teach my sweet little baby boy about sex

Babe: What did you think we were going to talk about?

Sirius: I don’t know!!

Sirius: second puberty??

Babe: Love, I care about you so much

Babe: And I need you to live and breathe

Babe: But I mean it from the bottom of my heart

Babe: When I say that you are so dumb

Sirius: You need me to live and breathe?

Babe: Of course that’s what you focus on

**4:45pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: wanna go on a date when you get out of detention?

Harry: to the river?

Draco: omg no

Draco: let’s just have a picnic in the courtyard or something

Harry: with Ron and Pansy?

Draco: omg no!!

Draco: a real date you dunce

Harry: oh wow

Harry: that’s so romantic

Draco: :/

Draco: is that a yes or not?

Harry: of course

Harry: i thought you’d never ask

Draco: i’m starting to wish i hadn’t

**8:33pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ Golden trio xxx _

__ Hermione: Harry, where are you?

Ron: Yeah where are you!

Harry: in hogsmeade with Draco

Harry: did you guys just notice i’m gone??

Ron: Wait

Ron: How long have you been gone?

Harry: omg like all day

Harry: what am i, chopped liver???

Hermione: Sorry Harry

Hermione: We were distracted working on our essays

Ron: What is chopped liver exactly?

Hermione: Ron that’s not the point

Hermione: Harry, when are you coming back?

Harry: I was gonna spend the night in Draco’s dorm actually

Ron: Oooooooooh

Ron: Harry Potter that’s scandalous

Harry: shut up

Hermione: Are you sure?

Hermione: You’d get in trouble if you got caught

Ron: Hermione

Ron: When has getting in trouble ever stopped us?

Hermione: Okay that’s fair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in conclusion why is segue spelled like that???


	3. the Transitive Property of Dating

**8:07am, Friday, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _lunch time special_

Pansy: okay we’re all getting lunch today

Pansy: im saying it now before any of u make other plans

Draco: what is your obsession with getting lunch together?

Pansy: well ur dating harry

Pansy: and im dating u

Draco: no you’re not

Pansy: which means im dating harry

Draco: no

Pansy: which means blaise is dating harry

Blaise: yes

Ron: But me and Hermione aren’t dating Harry

Pansy: yes u r

Hermione: Yes we are

Harry: yes you are

Pansy: which means u and hermione are dating draco

Pansy: which means ur dating me

Pansy: which means ur dating blaise

Blaise: i love polygamy

Pansy: so we all have to get lunch together

Draco: that makes absolutely no sense

Ron: Not a drop

Blaise: no it makes perfect sense

Harry: yeah i followed

Hermione: It’s the Transitive Property of Dating

**8:32am, Draco’s phone**

Group chat: _bad girls club_

Pansy: how was ur night lover boy?

Draco: ??

Pansy: im not dumb

Pansy: i saw you sneaking harry into ur room

Draco: omg

Blaise: well i can tell you my night was terrible

Blaise: someone would not stop moaning

Pansy: AHAHAHA OMG

Draco: THAT’S NOT TRUE

Pansy: draco!!!!!

Draco: blaise is lying!!!

Blaise: im not

Blaise: i had to move to the common room to get some sleep

Pansy: oh you poor baby

Blaise: well im sure draco got even less sleep than me

Draco: we didn’t do anything!!!

Draco: we were sleeping the whole time!!!

Blaise: interesting definition of sleeping

Pansy: ahahaha i love this

Draco: how do i remove myself from a chat

Pansy: i locked the chat

Pansy: there’s no way out

**10:03am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: Ronald Weasley

Ron: Harry Potter

Ron: What’s up?

Harry: i’ve got an idea for another prank for snape

Ron: Oh

Ron: Yes

Ron: I’m so in

Harry: it’s kinda complicated

Harry: but i need you to find me a deer

Ron: ………..

Ron: What

Harry: Could you ask Charlie? Maybe his zoo has deer he can spare

Ron: What

Ron: Are you planning

Harry: listen i would tell you

Harry: but if we got caught we would definitely get expelled

Harry: so it’s better if we don’t talk about it over text

Ron: Oh you’re right

Ron: So there’s no incriminating evidence

Harry: exactly

Harry: but also since when do you know the word incriminating?

Ron: Hey now

Ron: I hang out with Hermione sometimes

**11:49am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _Golden trio xxx_

Hermione: Oh my god

Harry: ?

Hermione: Oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god

Ron: Hermione breathe

Hermione: I just realized I didn’t finish Mr Lupin’s essay

Ron: Oh no

Hermione: Oh my god how could I be so stupid

Harry: wait what

Harry: weren’t you working on it like all day yesterday?

Hermione: That’s not the point!

Hermione: Oh my god what am I going to do???

Ron: Just finish it during lunch

Hermione: I can’t write a good essay during one lunch break!

Ron: Write a bad essay

Hermione: How

Hermione: Dare you!!!

Harry: how about

Harry: you just ask him for an extension

Ron: Yeah exactly

Hermione: Mr. Lupin doesn’t do extensions!!

Harry: Hermione he likes you

Harry: he’ll give you an extension

Hermione: Omg

Hermione: No he wouldn’t

Hermione: That would be favoritism!

Ron: Hermione you’re already every teacher’s favorite student

Ron: We’re used to it

_2 minutes later_

Hermione: Do you really think I’m every teacher’s favorite?

Harry: Mione for the smartest kid in the school

Harry: you sure are dumb sometimes

Hermione: You think I’m the smartest person in the school?

Ron: I give up

**12:03pm, Draco’s phone**

Pansy: where r u

Draco: just waiting for harry, then i’m coming

Pansy: question

Pansy: what do u think will happen if i eat peanut butter

Draco: well considering you’re allergic

Draco: i’m gonna go with anaphylactic shock

Pansy: im gonna risk it

Draco: NO

**1:37pm, Harry’s phone**

Ron: Okay so Charlie texted me back

Ron: And said under no circumstances ever is he giving me a wild deer

Ron: And if I ask again he’ll tell Mom and Dad

Harry: awwww

Harry: tell Charlie i said he’s lame

Harry: and i remember when he used to be cool

_5 minutes later_

Ron: Charlie said if you ask again he’ll tell your dads too

Harry: cool

Harry: so we’ll find a wild deer some other way

**1:47pm, Remus’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Remus: Harry James Potter.

Cub: omg hi

Love: What did you do?

Cub: i don’t know

Remus: Why did I just hear a rumor from my students

Remus: About a certain Harry Potter

Remus: Spending the night in a certain Draco Malfoy’s dorm room?

Love: WHAT

Cub: oh no

Love: excuse me WHAT

Cub: it’s not what it sounds like!

Cub: we didn’t do anything!!

Remus: Then what were you doing?

Cub: we were just hanging out

Cub: like watching netflix

Cub: and then we fell asleep

Love: you’re never going to school again

Cub: i swear!!

Love: From now on you’re homeschooled

Remus: Harry you could’ve been suspended

Cub: we weren’t doing anything!

Remus: It doesn’t matter!

Remus: You know you’re not allowed in other students’ dorms!

Cub: Papaaa I’m sorry

Cub: I won’t do it again

Cub: just please don’t ground me again

Remus: You should be grounded

Love: No he can’t be grounded

Cub: really?

Remus: ?

Love: I still need to meet Draco

Cub: oh no

Love: And then kill him for defiling my son

Cub: he didn’t defile me!!!

**1:54pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Do you see now why we need to give Harry the talk?

Love: I have a better idea

Love: let’s just send him to a nunnery

Remus: I’m not sure that that’s the right solution

Love: Okay but let’s keep it in our back pocket just in case

**4:00pm, Draco’s phone**

Group chat: _la famille_

Mom: I think we should do some family bonding this weekend!

Father: I have to work late tonight.

Mom: Well we can do something tomorrow

Draco: i’m going to my friend’s house tomorrow

Mom: You can invite Pansy to family bonding, she’s basically family

Draco: i’m not going to pansy’s

Father: Who are you visiting?

Draco: you wouldn’t know them

Mom: Well we’ll do something Sunday

Mom: We can have a family picnic and then go to counseling!

Draco: do i have to?

Mom: Yes.

Father: Do I have to?

Mom: Lucius!

Father: Of course, dear.

**4:12pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: how’s your last detention?

Harry: oh this isn’t my last detention

Draco: ?

Harry: i’ll probably get detention again before the end of the month

Draco: lmao you idiot

Harry: what can i say, you’re dating a bad boy

Draco: a bad boy who’s scared of spiders?

Harry: i’m not scared of spiders

Harry: Ron’s scared of spiders

Harry: i’m a bad boy

Draco: sureee

Harry: you’re still coming to my house tomorrow right?

Draco: yeah why

Harry: i just wanted to warn you

Harry: my dads might be mad

Draco: what???

Draco: why???

Harry: they know we spent the night together

Draco: ughughughugh

Draco: i think the whole school knows

Harry: i think my papa will be fine

Harry: but Dad might actually attack you

Draco: actually

Draco: maybe i won’t come over

Harry: no!!

Harry: you have to!!

Draco: i want to make it to 17!!

Harry: Dad won’t really kill you

Draco: that’s a relief

Harry: he just might maim you

Draco: oh my god

**4:52pm, Harry’s phone**

[Harry created a chat]

[Fred named the group chat _Gred and Feorge_ ]

Harry: are all your group chats called gred and feorge?

George: Yes

Harry: how do you know which is which?

Fred: We don’t

George: Adds to the chaos

Fred: What can we do for you, my beloved husband?

Harry: are we still husbands?

George: Well you never legally divorced

Harry: we never legally married either

Fred: It was legal in my heart

George: What’s up Harry?

Harry: can you guys do me a favor?

George: Only if it’ll get us in trouble

Fred: Or get you in trouble

Harry: can you go to petsmart or something

Harry: and get me as many bags of deer feed you can find

George: Deer

Fred: Feed?

George: Is that a thing?

Harry: idk

Harry: I assume so

Fred: Are you trying to catch a deer?

Harry: it’s not important

Harry: can you?

George: Anything for you, dear Harry

Fred: Anything for you, dear husband

Harry: you know now that i have a boyfriend

Harry: maybe you should stop calling me husband

Fred: Not until you bring the divorce papers to my house, beloved husband

George: And probably not even then

**5:15pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Harry: Okay Dad

Harry: coming home to you now

Dad: words

Dad: cannot express

Dad: my joy

Harry: lmao

Dad: my beautiful boys

Dad: the lights of my life

Dad: return from the war at last

Harry: the war???

Dad: Yes.

Harry: Dad i think solitary confinement is getting to your head

Dad: it really is

**7:24pm, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Sirius: Puppy come downstairs

Pup: is dinner done?

Sirius: almost

Sirius: but Papa wanted to talk first

Pup: oh no

Babe: Yes

Pup: no no no no no no no no no

Pup: I’m running away from home

Pup: you’ll never see me again

Babe: Harry James

Babe: Downstairs, now

Pup: Dad please help me out here

Sirius: Sorry Puppy

Sirius: Papa makes the rules

Sirius: I just live by them

**8:43pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: That wasn’t so bad, right?

Love: I can’t lie

Love: that was the worst thing ever

Remus: You are so dramatic

Love: there were things that I didn’t even know

Remus: Oh my

Love: I can never have sex again

Remus: What?

Love: I don’t want a STD!!

Remus: Oh my gosh

Remus: Sirius you’re not going to get an STD

Remus: We haven’t had sex with anyone else in 20 years

Remus: Unless you have something to tell me?

Love: you know that lady who always comes into my shop?

Love: Marlene?

Remus: Oh be quiet

Love: I’m just saying

Love: She likes me a lot

Remus: I’m not talking to you anymore

Love: Don’t be jealous Babe!

Remus: I’m not jealous

Remus: I already have Mr. Snape waiting to take your place

Love: Ew!!!

Love: Shut up

Love: You take that back

Remus: Hm...

Remus: No.

Love: Remus.

_1 minute later_

Love: Remus Lupin!

_3 minutes later_

Love: Remus where are you!!

**9:01pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: I am going

Harry: to burn

Harry: my eyes out

Draco: ?

Harry: my dads gave me the talk

Draco: HAHAHA

Draco: you’re joking

Harry: Papa was so prepared

Harry: he had diagrams

Draco: diagrams??

Harry: and pictures of stds

Draco: ew that’s disgusting

Harry: we have to break up

Harry: i can never have sex

Draco: lmao don’t be dramatic

Harry: i can’t even kiss

Harry: i could get mono and die

Draco: that’s not how mono works

Harry: please don’t explain how it works

Harry: i don’t want to know how anything else works

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm a simp for fred and george so i had to find a way to put them in


	4. that little ferret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as is my brand, the chapter titles continue to have little to nothing to do with the chapter content

**Friday, 10:21pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: can we watch a movie

Papa: Harry

Papa: My sweet summer child

Papa: Go to bed

Harry: but i’m boreddd

Harry: i wanna watch a movie

Dad: omg

Dad: Can we watch Coco again

Harry: yes!!!

Papa: It’s past my bedtime

Harry: Pleeeease Papa

Harry: Please please please Papa

Dad: Pleeeeeease Remus?

Papa: Why am I raising two kids?

Harry: please my favorite father in the whole wide world?

Dad: Please my favorite husband in the whole wide world?

Papa: Fine

Harry: YES

Papa: But don’t be upset if I fall asleep

Dad: I love you so much!!!

**12:32am, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Sirius: I can’t believe

Babe: I told you I was going to fall asleep

Sirius: that I married a heartless bitch

Babe: Sirius!!

Pup: HAHA Dad!!!

Sirius: You didn’t shed a single tear

Babe: For the hundredth time

Babe: I was asleep for 90% of the movie

Sirius: that doesn’t matter!

Babe: How could I have known when it was sad?

Pup: you should’ve sensed it Papa

Pup: and cried anyway

Sirius: Exactly!!

Babe: Oh, of course, my mistake

**12:43am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: comfort me love

Draco: love?

Harry: yeah love

Draco: my name is draco

Harry: it’s a term of endearment

Draco: and?

Harry: lol okay fine

Harry: comfort me draco

Draco: what’s wrong?

Harry: me and my dads just watched the saddest movie

Draco: oh not this again

Draco: i’ve already told you

Draco: films are not sad

Harry: this doesn’t sound like comfort

Draco: oh i’m sorry let me try again

Draco: i’m sorry that the fake people with the fake problems hurt your real feelings

Harry: :|

Harry: you are

Harry: the rudest boyfriend

Harry: in the whole world

Draco: thank you i try

Draco: now can you give me some comfort

Harry: ??

Draco: what should i bring tomorrow?

Harry: ?

Draco: to your house?

Harry: what do you mean bring?

Harry: are you staying the night?

Draco: no i mean like what kind of wine do your parents like?

Draco: or should i get whiskey or something

Harry: Draco

Harry: Huh????

Harry: why would you bring wine to my house?

Draco: like as a gift

Draco: to show that i’m kind and considerate

Harry: lmao draco

Harry: you don’t need to bring wine

Draco: my mom always brings wine when we go to people’s houses

Harry: well my dads aren’t your mom’s rich friends

Harry: they definitely won’t care if you bring wine

Draco: okay so i’ll bring whiskey

Harry: that’s not what i meant

Draco: good night love

**1:05am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ Golden trio xxx _

Harry: you guys should watch coco

Harry: it’s so sad

Hermione: I remember

Ron: Yeah that movie destroyed me

Harry: you’ve already seen it?

Ron: Yeah?

Hermione: Didn’t we watch it with you?

Harry: uuuh no

Hermione: I could’ve sworn we watched it with you

Harry: no i’ve only seen it with my dads

Ron: That’s weird

Harry: ?

**Saturday, 10:32am, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: Bikes?

Pup: yes yes yes

Pup: i’ll be down in ten

_ 13 minutes later _

Babe: Harry James Potter

Babe: Elbow pads and knee pads, now

Pup: Papaaaa please don’t make me

Pup: They don’t look cool

Babe: You’ll look even less cool with your skin road burned off

Pup: ew

Pup: that’s not gonna happen

Babe: No it won’t, because you’re going to put your pads on

Babe: Now

Pup: fine :(

**12:44pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: i’m so excited

Draco: ?

Harry: for you to come over!!

Draco: ooh

Harry: omg maybe my dad can teach you to ride bikes

Draco: i don’t think i’m a bike person

Harry: well you could watch me ride bikes

Harry: i look very cool

Draco: lmao i’m sure

Harry: are you excited to come over?

_ 2 minutes later _

Draco: well

Harry: ?

Draco: what if your dads don’t like me

Harry: lmao Draco we’ve been over this

Harry: i like you

Harry: so what does it matter?

Draco: you can’t actually expect me to believe that you would just be fine with it if your parents didn’t approve

Draco: you’re so close to them

Harry: well yeah but i’m close to you too

Draco: but they’re your family

Draco: i’m just your boyfriend

Harry: shut up

Draco: what?

Harry: you are my boyfriend

Harry: i care about you

Harry: i’m not gonna change my mind just because my dad’s being overdramatic

_ 3 minutes later _

Draco: what if they’re both being overdramatic?

Harry: that won’t happen

Harry: Remus is never dramatic

**2:45pm, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ la famille _

Mom: I’m at the grocery store

Mom: What would you like to bring to your friend’s house, sweetheart?

Draco: whiskey please

Father: Who is this friend?

Draco: i told you you wouldn’t know them

Father: What is their name?

Draco: what does it matter?

Father: Draco.

Draco: just leave it okay?

**3:35pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: on my way

Harry: omg

Harry: omg omg omg

Harry: i’m so excited!!!!

Draco: lmao

Draco: why’d you want me to come so early?

Draco: what are we gonna do for two hours before dinner?

Harry: hm idk

Harry: i could raw you?

Draco: oh

Draco: my god

Harry: aaaahaha i’m just kidding

_ 2 minutes later _

Harry: Draco?

Draco: harry james potter my mother is driving

Draco: and my face

Draco: is so red

Harry: lmao sorry

Harry: I can make it up to you when you get here ;)

Draco: STOP

**3:40pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: Draco’s on his way

Dad: oh great

Harry: i know!!

Dad: I was being sarcastic

Papa: Sirius, be nice

Harry: can i put up the hammock in the backyard?

Papa: Sure honey

Harry: WAIT no

Harry: Can one of you put the hammock up?

Dad: What are you doing?

Harry: i have to get dressed

Harry: omg and i have to clean my room

Papa: Clean?

Papa: Your room?

Harry: i want it to look nice for Draco!!

Papa: Wow

Papa: At this rate, Draco can move in

Dad: No he cannot!

**3:45pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Go set up the hammock

Love: ??

Remus: For Harry and Draco

Love: I’m not setting up the hammock for that little ferret

Remus: Ferret?

Love: he’s a ferret

Remus: Don’t call Draco a ferret

Love: and he sank his little ferret claws into my baby boy

Remus: He’s a nice young man

Remus: And a good student

Love: he’s a Malfoy

Remus: And you’re a Black

Remus: And you turned out alright

Remus: If a little crazy

Love: that’s cause I’m a Lupin now

Remus: Well maybe one day Draco will be a Potter

Love: Omg

Love: Do not

Love: Say that

Love: I will be sending Harry to a convent

Remus: You’re so dramatic

Remus: Go set up the hammock

Love: Why can’t you set it up?

Remus: I’m cooking dinner

Love: not right now??

Remus: Well I need time to plan dinner

Remus: So I can’t do it

Love: what’s that face Harry always makes

Love: Oh yeah

Love: :/ 

**3:56pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: okay i’m ready

Harry: my room is clean

Papa: I would love to see that

Harry: i put on aftershave

Dad: You shaved???

Harry: no but it smelled nice

Harry: Papa i hope you’re okay with me using your aftershave

Papa: Pffft that’s fine Cubby

Harry: omg no

Dad: What?

Harry: there’s a hole in my shirt!!!

Harry: nevermind i’m not ready!!!

Papa: Harry honey calm down

Papa: I think most of your shirts have holes in them

Harry: we have to cancel dinner

Harry: i have to go shopping for new shirts

Dad: Too late

Harry: i’ll call Draco right now to cancel

Dad: No it’s really too late

Dad: I can see his car pulling into the driveway

Harry: OH NO

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm guessing that i wrote this chapter after watching Coco
> 
> Also this whole dinner with the parents thing is honestly so much of this fic i couldn't help it i like the cliches that i like


	5. oh my god why are you guys blowing up my phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg happy new year egg heads

**Saturday, 3:59pm, Remus’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Remus: Stay calm

Remus: I’ll go let them in

Cub: how could i be calm at a time like this

Cub: when my shirt has a hole in it

Love: dating has really made you crazy huh?

Cub: Dad this is Not the time for jokes!!

**4:01pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: i told my mom to just drop me off but she’s getting out too

Draco: omg i see mr lupin opening the door

Harry: i’m changing my shirt but i’ll be down in a sec

Draco: i’m kind of nervous

Draco: omg i see your other dad

Draco: i change my mind

Draco: i’m really nervous

**4:12pm, Draco’s phone**

Mom: I didn’t know you were friends with Sirius Black’s son

Draco: ??

Mom: The man with all the tattoos?

Draco: I thought his name was Sirius Lupin

Mom: It used to be Sirius Black

Draco: wait like

Draco: sirius black your cousin

Draco: the cousin father hates??

Mom: Yes

Draco: oh

Draco: please don’t tell father

Mom: I won’t for now

Mom: Harry seems like a nice boy

Draco: he is

**4:14pm, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Sirius: Harry remember to leave the door to your room open

Pup: Dadddd

Sirius: The door stays open or draco goes home

Pup: Papa can you reason with him???

Babe: I’ve known him for 25 years

Babe: And I’ve never been able to reason with him

**4:20pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Where’d you go?

Love: I’m in the garage

Remus: Pacing?

Love: …

Love: maybe

Remus: Pffft why don’t you come sit with me?

Love: I can’t sit

Love: I’m worried about Harry

Remus: Harry is fine

Remus: I thought that introduction went well

Love: why’d he bring us whiskey?

Remus: To be nice?

Love: why does he think we want whiskey?

Love: Does he think we’re alcoholics?

Remus: ?? You love whiskey

Love: that’s not the point

Remus: Then what’s the point?

Love: I’m not sure yet

_2 minutes later_

Love: Also

Remus: Here we go

Love: did you notice Draco introduced him as his friend to Narcissa?

Remus: What?

Love: He said “mom this is my friend Harry”

Love: My FRIEND

Remus: Okay?

Love: instead of BOYFRIEND

Remus: Draco’s probably just not out to his parents yet

Love: Omg

Remus: ?

Love: what if he’s planning to break up with Harry?

Remus: Oh my

Love: and that’s why he called him his friend

Remus: That’s not what’s happening

Love: He’ll break my Puppy’s heart!!

Remus: I’m confused

Remus: Do you want them to be dating or not?

Love: I don’t want him upsetting Harry!!

Remus: He’s not here to upset Harry

Remus: You’re reading too much into this

Love: You don’t know that!

Remus: This isn’t some dramatic romance novel

Love: Well I can’t know that

Love: I don’t usually read novels

Remus: Actually I’m glad Draco brought whiskey

Remus: Because you’re driving me to drink

**4:51pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Where do you think you’re going?

Love: Omg

Love: how did you know?

Remus: You’re stomping, the whole neighborhood knows

Love: I was just gonna go check on Harry

Remus: No you’re not

Love: Why not??

Remus: They’ve done nothing wrong

Remus: Leave them alone

Love: do you not remember Harry sleeping in the Slytherin dorm?

Love: you wanted to ground him for it

Love: it’s not too late

Remus: Go back to the garage.

Love: Yes Dear

**5:01pm, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Sirius: How’s it going Puppy?

Babe: Sirius leave him alone

_2 minutes later_

Sirius: Puppy??

Babe: Sirius!

Sirius: Puppy answer me or I’m coming up there

Babe: You are not going up there!

Pup: oh my god why are you guys blowing up my phone

Sirius: Puppy!!

Sirius: I was worried about you

Pup: ?? i’m just upstairs

Babe: I was trying to stop him

Pup: thank you Papa

Sirius: how’s it going with Draco?

Pup: it’s nice

Sirius: what are you guys doing?

Pup: nothing much

Sirius: has he kept his hands to himself?

Babe: Sirius!

Pup: Dad!!

Sirius: I’m just checking!

_2 minutes later_

Sirius: did you leave the bedroom door open?

Pup: oh my god Dad yes

Sirius: just checking!!

**5:30pm, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: where are you?

Babe: I’m making dinner, remember?

Sirius: oh yeah

Sirius: Wait why are you making dinner anyway?? 

Sirius: You don’t like to cook

Babe: You seemed preoccupied so I thought I’d do it

Sirius: okay fair

Sirius: maybe I should go check on them

Babe: No you should not

Babe: Harry wouldn’t like that

Sirius: I’m just worried about him

Babe: Harry’s fine

Babe: You saw how polite Draco was

Babe: He brought us whiskey

Sirius: yeah

Sirius: He’s polite he wouldn’t do anything

Babe: Exactly

_5 minutes later_

Babe: Of course, then I remember the kind of stuff we used to get up to when we were their age

Sirius: What?

Babe: Like, remember when we had study hall at the same time, so we’d both ask to go to the bathroom and meet in the 3rd floor janitors’ closet every day?

Sirius: Yeah....

Babe: Or when my parents went out of town, and you snuck into my house and spent the whole weekend with me?

Sirius: Yes I remember

Babe: Or that one time we went to the movie theater

Babe: And the theater was half empty

Babe: So we sat all the way in the back

Sirius: that’s it I’m going to check on them

Babe: Lmao Sirius I’m just messing with you

Babe: Leave them alone

Sirius: It’s too late I’m going

**5:38pm, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Sirius: Harry James Potter

Sirius: You open this door right now young man

Babe: Young man?

Babe: Since when do you call him ‘young man’?

Sirius: Since he closed his bedroom door after I explicitly told him to leave it open!

Sirius: Harry James

Sirius: I know you can hear me knocking

Pup: oh my god Dad go away

Sirius: Unlock the door!!

Pup: No!!

Babe: Sirius, it’s fine, it’s not like he’s going to get pregnant

Sirius: Remus!

Pup: Papa!!

Babe: It’s true

Pup: that doesn’t mean you have to say it!

Babe: Anyway, dinner is about to be ready

Babe: Why don’t you all come downstairs?

Sirius: Ugh fine

Pup: okay Papa

_4 minutes later_

Pup: me and Draco aren’t coming out until Dad goes downstairs

Sirius: I’m waiting for you!

Pup: we don’t need an escort!

Babe: Sirius come downstairs

Sirius: Ugh fine

**5:43pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Where are you stomping off to now?

Love: I’m gonna go find a lock pick to unlock Harry’s door

Remus: Oh my

Love: And if I can’t find one I’ll get a screwdriver and unscrew it from the wall

Remus: Absolutely not

Remus: Come set the table and stop trying to invade Harry’s privacy

Love: I’m not invading his privacy

Remus: Then what are you doing?

Love: I’m protecting him!

Remus: From what??

Love: from Draco!

Remus: We’ve been over this a thousand times

Remus: Draco is a nice kid!

Love: then from the Malfoys!!

Remus: Draco’s not like his parents!

Love: then I don’t know what but I’m protecting him from something!!

Remus: Oh my god this is actually ridiculous

Remus: Come set the table. Now.

Remus: And when Harry and Draco come down you’re going to be friendly and supportive

Remus: Or I swear you will sleep on the couch until Harry is married

Love: Harry’s not getting married

Remus: Sirius. Orion.

Love: Don’t use my middle name

Remus: Sirius.

Love: Fine I’m coming

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> with the amount of times i have them say 'where are you' they simply must live in a mansion
> 
> also this isn't important but in my head Sirius usually does all the cooking since he's home all week cooking for himself while Remus eats in the great hall


	6. harry james!

**7:03pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: I thought that went really well

Remus: You were so polite! 

_2 minutes later_

Remus: I could tell it made Harry really happy

_2 minutes later_

Remus: Sirius Orion.

_2 minutes later_

Remus: Sirius. Orion. Black.

Love: don’t call me that

Remus: Where are you?

Love: the garage

Remus: Are you pouting now?

Love: I’m fixing a bike

Remus: Are you pouting while you do it?

_2 minutes later_

Remus: Sirius, you are a grown man

Remus: Stop hiding in the garage and come talk to me

Love: I’m not hiding

Love: and I don’t want to talk

Remus: We have to talk eventually

Love: I can’t hear you

Remus: You know

Love: ?

Remus: I can see Harry and Draco from the kitchen window

_3 minutes later_

Love: what are they doing?

Remus: Laying on the hammock together

Remus: They look very happy

Love: lmao it’ll probably collapse

Love: I didn’t do a very good job setting it up

Remus: Sirius!!

Love: that’s me

Remus: Are you trying to sabotage your son’s relationship?

Love: I don’t know

Love: maybe a little

**7:35pm, Draco’s phone**

Group chat: _la famille_

Mom: I’m leaving now to come pick you up sweetheart

Draco: thanks mom

Mom: Did you have fun at your friend’s house?

Draco: yeah it was great

Father: Who is this friend?

[Draco removed Father from the chat]

Mom: Draco don’t do that!

Mom: How do I add him back?

Draco: idk

Mom: Draco!

Draco: ugh find

[Draco added Father to the chat]

Father: Keep this behavior up and you won’t be going to anymore friends’ houses.

Draco: whatever

**8:25pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: thanks

Harry: for what?

Draco: you know

Draco: inviting me to dinner

Draco: spending the day with me

Draco: being my boyfriend

Harry: o

Harry: mg

Harry: Draco you’re such a saaaaaap

Draco: im not a sap

Harry: okay then

Harry: you’re a simp

Draco: hm

Draco: maybe for you

_13 minutes later_

Draco: do you think they liked me?

Draco: sirius and remus?

Harry: well i think Remus already liked you

Draco: okay i mostly meant sirius

Harry: well

Draco: oh no

Harry: no it’s not bad!!

Harry: i just don’t know

Draco: you don’t know?

Draco: how don’t you know??

Harry: i couldn’t really tell

Harry: usually it’s really obvious when Sirius doesn’t like someone

Draco: oh

Harry: like one time he banned this guy from his bike shop for life because the guy said my glasses looked nerdy

Draco: aslkdfj okay?

Harry: so it didn’t seem like he didn’t like you

Draco: because he didn’t ban me for life?

Harry: yea

Harry: but he was acting kind of weird at dinner

Harry: like not his normal silly stuff

Draco: okay??

Draco: is that good??

Harry: yeah i’m gonna go with that’s good

**9:04pm, Remus’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Remus: Did you have a good time with Draco, Cubby?

Cub: yes!!!

Cub: tonight was so fun

Cub: except the hammock collapsed on us at one point but that was pretty funny

Remus: Oh my

Remus: I’m glad you had fun honey

Cub: did you like Draco?

Remus: You know I like Draco, I’ve known him for 5 years

Cub: No I meant Dad

Cub: did you like him Dad?

_4 minutes later_

Love: yeah Puppy I liked him

Cub: omg really??

Love: Yeah

Love: he seemed really sweet

Love: and he was giving you heart eyes all through dinner

Cub: al;ksdfja he was not giving me heart eyes

Love: oh really?

Love: so what do you call staring at you while batting his eyelashes and blushing?

Cub: as;lkdfj

Remus: I think I would have to call that heart eyes

Love: it was definitely heart eyes

**9:12pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Did you actually like Harry’s boyfriend?

Love: ……….

Remus: Answer me

Love: Not particularly

Remus: Oh no

Remus: Why not?

Love: I just don’t like him

Remus: That’s not a reason

Love: I don’t like the Malfoys and I don’t think Draco’s good enough for Harry

Remus: So why’d you tell Harry you like him?

Love: don’t laugh

Remus: I won’t

Love: I just didn’t want Harry to feel bad

_3 minutes later_

Love: Remus?

Remus: That

Remus: Is so

Remus: CUTE

Love: lmao oh no

Remus: Sirius Orion Lupin that is so sweet of you

Love: what can I say, I’m a wonderful father

Remus: I know you are

Remus: Now do you want to tell me the real reason you don’t like Draco?

_5 minutes later_

Love: I told you the reason

Remus: Not liking his father is not a reason

Remus: I hated your father and I love you

Love: that’s different

Remus: How is that different?

Love: we’re adults!

Love: Harry’s a child, he doesn’t know what he loves

Remus: Are you serious?

Remus: You really think Harry’s too young to date?

Love: I don’t know!!

Love: I think yesterday he was a toddler and today he’s got a boyfriend and tomorrow he’s gonna probably be moving out or something

Remus: Oh Sirius

Love: And we already lost three years with him to those damn Dursleys and I don’t want to lose any more of him to anyone else

Remus: Oh Love

Remus: No one wants their kids to grow up

Remus: But just because Harry’s getting older doesn’t mean we’re losing him to anyone

Remus: He’s still our baby and he’ll still be our baby even when he grows up and gets married and has kids of his own

Love: I know that

Love: or I should know that

Love: it’s just hard to think about him not being a little kid forever

Remus: It’s hard for me too

Remus: But Harry still likes to be tucked into bed at night

Remus: So I don’t think he’s going to be leaving us behind for Draco or any other boyfriend anytime soon

Love: you’re right

Remus: I always am

Remus: Now please come inside and stop pouting in the garage

Love: Coming

**10:13pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Harry: do you guys wanna see what Draco showed me how to do today?

Papa: While you two were in your room?

Harry: yeah

Dad: Ew

Papa: Absolutely not

Harry: wait what why??

Papa: Honey we don’t need to know what you were doing in there

Dad: yeah no thanks

Harry: ???

Harry: wait

Harry: OMG

Harry: did you think we were having SEX????

Dad: …

Papa: Were you not having sex?

Harry: ew No!!!

Harry: i would not have sex in the same house as my parents

Harry: i would wait till you’re out of town like a normal teenager

Dad: Okay so we’re never going out of town again

Papa: You were in your room for two hours with the door locked

Papa: What were we supposed to think?

Harry: oh my god let’s move on

Harry: this is what i wanted to show you

[Harry sent a picture]

Dad: bracelets?

Harry: they’re friendship bracelets!!

Harry: Draco taught me how to make them so i made one for each of you

Papa: Aw Cubby that’s so sweet

Harry: the red and silver one is for you Dad and the gold and blue one is for Papa

Dad: wait so

Dad: you spent two hours in your room making bracelets?

Harry: lmao well he showed me how to make the bracelets at first

Harry: and then we watched some netflix

Harry: and then we spent the rest of the time making out

Papa: Okay that’s enough

Dad: I’m gonna go wash out my eyes with soap

Harry: lmao making out isn’t bad!!

Harry: we kept most of our clothes on!

Dad: EW

Papa: Harry James!

**12:01am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: Dad

Dad: it’s past your bedtime Puppy

Harry: do you really like Draco?

Harry: or were you just saying that to make me feel better?

Dad: it’s really past your bedtime Puppy

Harry: Dad!

Dad: I’m joking

Dad: I thought Draco was gonna be a proper prick like his parents

Harry: :/

Dad: But he seemed pretty okay

Dad: I think I’m warming up to him

Harry: really??

Dad: yes really Puppy

Dad: and he was making heart eyes at you, so that helps

Harry: as;lkdjf he wasn’t making heart eyes

Dad: he was though!!

Dad: he obviously really likes you

Dad: so he must have some brains

Harry: awww Daddy

Dad: Go to sleep for real now okay?

Harry: haha yeah okay

Harry: i love you Dad

Dad: I love you so much Puppy

Dad: To the moon and back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wish i could do the big eyes emoji in a word document
> 
> also this chapter is kind of short but the rest of the chapters in this are pretty long


	7. heading to a wedding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that i've finished my dose of 'plot' and 'emotions' for this story it's back to jokes and cutesy shit

**Sunday, 10am, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ la famille _

Mom: Rise and shine sweethearts!!

_ 10 minutes later _

Mom: Draco?

Draco: why

Draco: are you trying to wake me

Mom: We’re going on a picnic today, remember?

_ 1 minute later _

Mom: What was that?

Draco: that was me in my room

Draco: groaning

Draco: as loud as i possibly could

Mom: Oh Draco

Mom: Be downstairs in 30 minutes

_ 1 minute later _

Mom: That counts for you too Lucius

Father: Yes, dear.

**10:35am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: wanna hang?

Ron: Oof sorry mate I’m already busy

Harry: busy without me???

Ron: Haha sorry

Ron: Mom wants us to have a family day today

Harry: but i’m family

Ron: Haha she said only birth family today

Ron: I’ll see you tomorrow okay?

Ron: We can get breakfast as soon as we get off the train

Harry: yeah alright

**10:45am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: wanna hang?

Hermione: Oh my gosh, I’m sorry Harry, I would but I’m already busy today

Harry: Hermione doing homework isn’t being busy

Hermione: I’m not doing homework!

Hermione: I promised my parents

Harry: promised your parents what?

Hermione: That I would help them clean out the garage

Harry: ??

Harry: i’ve seen your garage it’s like empty

Hermione: I mean yeah it used to be lik empty

Hermione: But my parents have really let it go lately

Hermione: So now it’s a mess and they need my help

Harry: i can help if you want

Hermione: No it’s okay!! It’s like a family bonding day

Harry: yeah Ron’s having a family bonding day too

Hermione: Oh haha that’s so funny

Harry: yea

**10:52am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: my friends are acting like weirdos

Draco: lmao

Draco: my family’s acting like weirdos

Harry: what’s up?

Draco: we’re on our way to have a “””””family”””””” picnic

Harry: awwww What

Harry: that’s so cute

Draco: it’s not cute

Draco: mom’s being so aggressively happy

Harry: she’s trying to encourage bonding

Draco: dad looks like he’s being held at gunpoint

Harry: i’m sure you look the same

Draco: and i’m texting

Harry: wow it sounds lovely 

Draco: oh it’s just wonderful

Draco: doesn’t make me want to claw my eyes out at all

Harry: lmao poor baby

Draco: that’s right

Draco: i am a poor baby

Harry: wanna come over to my house again today?

Draco: lmao yes but my parents might start to get suspicious

Harry: who cares

Harry: we’ll have to tell them eventually

Draco: don’t remind me

Harry: please say you’ll come over

Harry: my dad can show you how to ride bikes!!

Draco: your dad’s gonna let me ride his bikes?

Harry: yeah why not

Draco: harry

Draco: sweet harry

Draco: be realistic

Harry: he will!!

Harry: he told me last night that he does like you

Draco: wait for real?

Harry: well

Harry: his exact words were “warming up to you”

Harry: but that’s basically the same thing

Draco: :/

**11:12am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: Papa

Papa: Hi Cubby

Harry: can Draco come over again today?

Papa: Sure

Dad: Why aren’t you asking me?

Harry: cause i have a different question for you

Harry: can you teach Draco to ride a bike?

Dad: No

Dad: absolutely not

Papa: Sirius!

Harry: Please!!!

Harry: please please please please

Dad: He’s not laying his grubby little fingers on one of my bikes

Harry: you let me lay my grubby little fingers all over them!

Dad: yeah and the difference is I like you

Papa: Sirius!!

Harry: you said you’re warming up to Draco

Harry: this can help you warm up to him faster

Dad: I prefer the cold

Harry: also you don’t really have a choice

Dad: why’s that?

Harry: cause i already told Draco you would do it

Dad: Remus, darling

Papa: Yeah?

Dad: It’s really not too late to ground him

**11:37am, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ bad girls club _

Draco: i’m going to kill my father

Blaise: thats dramatic

Pansy: do u want help?

Draco: maybe with hiding the body

Blaise: what’s going on?

Draco: mom made us go on this stupid picnic

Draco: and father won’t stop asking who i was hanging out with yesterday

Pansy: didnt ur mom tell him?

Draco: no

Draco: she promised she wouldn’t say it was sirius black’s son

Draco: but he’s getting more pissed the longer we won’t say

Pansy: omg what

Parry: harry is sirius black’s son???

Draco: according to my mom

Blaise: wait

Blaise: and why don’t u want to tell your dad this?

Pansy: blaise get with the program

Pansy: lucius malfoy is a psychopath

Draco: yeah he’d kill me for hanging out with sirius black’s son

Draco: he’d probably crucify me for dating him

Blaise: u really think it’d be that bad?

Pansy: um

Draco: yes

Pansy: yes

Blaise: but they’re your parents

Blaise: they have to love you

Draco: yea idk if they got the memo

Blaise: what about ur mom?

Blaise: she loves you

Draco: yea that’s true

Draco: but i’m scared of what’d happen if my father really pushed her

Blaise: :/

Pansy: :/ indeed

Draco: yea :/

Blaise: pardon my french

Blaise: but that sucks ass

**3:41pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: okay im on my way

Harry: omg yay

Harry: yayayay

Harry: my dad is so excited to teach you!!

Draco: is he really?

Harry: well

Harry: no

Draco: :|

Harry: but i’m excited!!

**4:02pm, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: How have I been so cursed

Sirius: to have the Malfoy heir coming to my house twice in one weekend

Babe: Pfffft

Babe: I bet your family pissed off an evil wizard in the Middle Ages or something

Babe: And now you’re cursed for all of eternity

Sirius: you know what?

Sirius: I think you’re right

**4:15pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: we’re pulling onto your street now

Draco: i’m gonna make a break for it and hope my dad doesn’t get out of the car

Harry: hahaha

Harry: what’s the worse thing that happens if he gets out of the car?

Draco: he figures out that i’m dating you

Draco: and decides to send me to military school

Harry: okay that’s pretty bad

**5:16pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: this is truly

Harry: the funniest thing i’ve ever seen

Papa: What’s going on?

Harry: Draco looks so funny in the kiddie pads

Harry: he’s also bright red

Harry: and Dad is trying so hard to be polite he looks like he’s gonna burst a blood vessel

Papa: ….

Papa: Maybe I’ll come watch too

Harry: please bring popcorn

**5:56pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ Gred and Feorge _

Fred: Sweet husband of mine

George: We found your deer feed

Fred: Apparently it is a thing

Harry: omg

Harry: thank you guys so much

Fred: We didn’t know how much you needed so we just took everything the store had

George: Yeah it took all afternoon to lug it all to our car

Harry: wait

Harry: did you go get it today?

Fred: Yup

Harry: I thought you had family stuff today?

George: No?

Fred: Definitely not

Harry: Ron said he couldn’t hang out cause your Mom wanted to have a family day

Fred: Looks like ickle Ronniekins has been telling lies

George: Yeah and he’s bad at it

George: Why would you not be invited to a family day?

Harry: omg so where’s Ron?

George: Dunno

Fred: We thought he was with you

George: He wasn’t in the house this morning

Fred: And he wasn’t there when we got back

George: Maybe he’s finally taken our advice and run off to join a traveling circus

Harry: that’s so weird

Harry: usually he tells me what he’s doing

Fred: Do you want me to rough him up when I see him again?

Fred: Tell him no one stands up my beautiful husband?

Harry: lmao don’t rough him up

Harry: and don’t call me your husband anymore

Fred: Harry dear

Fred: I said till death do us part

Fred: And I meant it

**7:45pm, Remus’ phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Remus: Cubby can you grab the scissors from our bathroom?

Cub: yeah what for?

Remus: I’m gonna give Dad a haircut

Remus: Since he’s starting to look like a mangy mutt

Love: hey!

Cub: lmao

Cub: i had a dream last night that Dad was a dog

Cub: but in my dream he also had a flying motorcycle

Cub: so i don’t think it was real

Remus: ??

Love: did you think me turning into a dog could be real?

Cub: well

Cub: i don’t know what you get up to during the week

Remus: Harry honey

Remus: Are you on drugs?

Cub: i mean

Cub: not that i know of

**7:58pm, Harry’s phone**

[Harry sent a picture]

[Harry sent a picture]

[Harry sent a picture]

Draco: stop it

Draco: burn these

Draco: no one’s allowed to see me in elbow pads

Harry: lmao i think i’m gonna print these and get them framed

Draco: absolutely not

Harry: did you have fun?

Draco: yea it was actually pretty cool

Draco: but i’m still terrified of your dad

Harry: hahaha why?

Draco: he looked like he wanted to kill me

Harry: that’s just his face

Draco: and with all his tattoos he looks like an ex-convict

Harry: yeah but he was wrongfully convicted

Draco: WHAT

Harry: lmao i’m kidding!!!

Draco: oh thank god

Harry: or am i?

Draco: HARRY

**8:10pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: Hi, this is Draco Malfoy. 

Draco: Harry gave me your number, I hope that’s okay.

Draco: I just wanted to say thank you for teaching me how to ride your bikes.

Draco: I had a lot of fun!

_ 16 minutes later _

Mr. S. Lupin: No problem

**8:45pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: can i cut your hair

Draco: what?? no

Harry: awww why not

Draco: i don’t need a haircut

Draco: also i don’t trust you with scissors near any part of me

Harry: but my papa always cuts my dad’s hair

Harry: it’s cute

Harry: and a little bonding exercise

Draco: well then maybe you can cut my hair when we’re married

Harry: omg

Draco: wait no

Harry: you want to get married???

Draco: i didn’t mean it like that

Harry: omg omg omg

Draco: i was trying to make a joke stop it

Harry: i have to tell my dads

Draco: DONT

**8:48pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: Daddy

Harry: Papa

Dad: Puppy

Papa: Cub

Harry: Draco just asked me to marry him!!!

Dad: WHAT

Papa: Oh my gosh

Harry: i said yes of course!!!

Dad: that’s it

Dad: I’m sending you to a convent

Harry: aren’t convents for women?

Dad: I don’t care

Dad: You’re going

Harry: do you want to walk me down the aisle or should Papa?

Papa: I think we both should

Dad: we are not talking about this

Dad: i’m calling a nunnery right now

Harry: what colors should we do for the wedding??

Harry: I would want Gryffindor colors i think but Draco is a Slytherin

Papa: You could do a mix?

Papa: Like silver and gold?

Harry: omg Yes

Dad: Stop encouraging him!!!

Harry: Dad it almost sounds like you don’t support my marriage

Dad: There is no marriage!!

Dad: You are going to a convent!

Papa: How’s he supposed to get married from a convent?

Dad: HE IS NOT

Dad: GETTING 

Dad: MARRIED

**9:32pm, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ bad girls club _

Pansy: so draco i heard ur getting married

Blaise: omg why didnt you tell me!

Draco: i 

Draco: was joking

Pansy: of course i would love to be ur maid of honor!!!

Draco: no

Blaise: absolutely not

Blaise: i’m the best man

Pansy: iM tHe BeST mAn

Pansy: no you are not

Draco: i hate when you do that

Blaise: draco you pick

Pansy: yea pick

Pansy: who’s gonna have the bigger role at ur wedding

Draco: i’m scared to

Blaise: when ur planning a wedding you gotta make tough calls

Draco: i’m not planning a wedding!!

Pansy: omg

Pansy: draco i would love to plan ur wedding!

Blaise: WHAT no

Blaise: i’m planning his wedding!!

Draco: i’m leaving this conversation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will not stop using :/ until someone pries it out of my cold dead hands
> 
> Also for some reason writing the 6 line conversation between Draco and Sirius was the funniest thing in the whole world to me I read it like 12 times and it got me every time


	8. deer feed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea if deer feed is an actual thing like i was raised in the country but i'm not that country ya know

**4:40am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Harry: okay i’m ready to go

Harry: i put my bag in the car and everything

Dad: Awesome

Dad: I’ll drive

Papa: ?

Harry: ??

Dad: we’re going to St. Lucia’s School for Catholic Girls

Harry: lmao no sir we are not

Papa: Sirius, go back to bed

Dad: :/

Harry: i regret showing you how to make that face

Dad: ://///////////////

**6:24am, Harry’s phone**

Harry: you on the train?

Draco: nope

Draco: my dad demanded him and mom drive me to school today

Harry: omg why?

Draco: pretty sure he’s still trying to figure out who you are

Draco: he was pissed he didn’t see you yesterday

Draco: and now he’s trying to be slick but he’s not slick

Harry: lmao what’s he doing

Draco: “oh draco im so glad you have such good friends”

Draco: “oh draco maybe you should invite some of your friends over one day”

Draco: “oh draco what are all of your friends’ names in alphabetical order again??”

Harry: hahaha he’s so nosy

Draco: literally

Draco: he could not be nosier

**6:30am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _Gred and Feorge_

George: Me and Fred will be at school in like half an hour

George: We have all your deer feed in the trunk

Harry: yayayay thank you guys so much

Harry: can you help me carry it all up to my dorm room?

George: Oh that’s so weird I suddenly don’t know how to read

Harry: please :((((

George: Sorry Harry

George: Your husband may be whipped for you

George: But I’m a free man

Harry: he’s not my husband!!

George: Tell that to the marriage certificate

Harry: ??

Harry: the one we drew in crayon?

George: Yes

**6:45am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _Golden trio xxx_

Ron: Hey Harry can the three of us get breakfast together?

Ron: Like just the three of us? Me and Hermione wanted to talk

Harry: talk about what?

Ron: Just talk

Harry: talk about why you guys lied to me yesterday about not being able to hang out?

Ron: …

Ron: …

Ron: … 

Hermione: Yes sorry

Harry: i can’t get breakfast

Ron: Harry come on

Hermione: Please don’t be angry

Harry: no seriously i can’t get breakfast

Harry: i need your guys’ help with something else

Hermione: With what?

Harry: hold on

**6:49am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _lunch time special_

Harry: friends, family, loved ones

Blaise: loved ones?

Draco: yes

Harry: i’ve gathered you all here today

Pansy: i made this group chat last week?

Harry: because we have a mission to accomplish

Ron: ??

Hermione: I could not have less of a clue about what’s going on right now

Harry: we’re going to pull a prank

Hermione: No thank you, I’m out

Ron: Hermione stay

Hermione: Fine

Harry: here’s what i need

Harry: first i need you to help me carry 20 bags of deer feed up to my room

Blaise: excuse me?

Pansy: i dont think i have that kind of arm muscle

Harry: then i need Draco to steal mr. snape’s class keys

Draco: oh absolutely not

Draco: not this again

Harry: and then tomorrow morning before anyone else is awake

Harry: we’ll put the plan in motion

Hermione: What plan?

Ron: Yeah I feel like I’m missing something here

Harry: that’s a problem for tomorrow morning

Harry: is everyone in?

Blaise: what’ll happen if we get caught?

Harry: my best guess is

Harry: expulsion

Ron: …….

Pansy: yea im in

Ron: Me too

Blaise: why not

Hermione: Well I’m not

Draco: neither am i 

Harry: no everyone has to be in for the plan to work

Hermione: Well too bad, I’m not getting expelled

Harry: Mioneeeeeeeee

Harry: remember how bad you made me feel yesterday?

Draco: what?

Draco: what did she do?

Pansy: aw is lover boy protective?

Harry: she said she didn’t want to hang out with me ever again

Draco: omg what

Blaise: ouch

Hermione: Omg that is NOT what I said!

Harry: i felt so bad for hours

Harry: but now

Harry: you could make it up to me

Hermione: Ugh

Harry: i promise we won’t get caught!!

Hermione: Ugh ugh ugh fine

Harry: YAY!!!!

Harry: so everyone’s in!!

Draco: no

Draco: i am not in

Draco: i don’t want to be expelled either

Harry: awww fine

Harry: i guess i could ask my other boyfriend to help

Pansy: :0

Draco: you don’t have another boyfriend.

Harry: oh sorry my bad

Harry: i meant i could ask my husband

Blaise: :O

Draco: you. don’t have. a husband.

Ron: Yes he does

Pansy: omg

Blaise: the drama!

Ron: He married my brother Fred when we were five

Draco: a marriage when you’re five doesn’t count

Hermione: Well technically Fred was seven

Harry: and Fred thinks it counts

Harry: he still calls me his husband all the time

Harry: i’m sure he’d help me

Draco: :|

Draco: fine i’m in

Harry: YAY

Draco: but if we get caught

Draco: i swear i’m breaking up with you

Harry: that’s okay

Harry: i’ll just go back to Fred

Pansy: LMAO

Draco: i hate you

Harry: meet in the parking lot at 7:10!!!

**7:15am, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Sirius: Have a wonderful week at school my loves

Babe: Aw thank you Love

Babe: Have a wonderful week at work

Babe: And let me know if that bitch Marlene comes in

Sirius: lmao Remus I was joking about Marlene

Babe: Well I’m not

Sirius: Have a great day at school Puppy

_10 minutes later_

Sirius: Puppy?

_20 minutes later_

Pup: sorry i didn’t see this

Pup: you have a great week too Dad

**10:13am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _Golden trio xxx_

Ron: Okay so can the three of us get lunch together so we can talk?

Hermione: Yes please

Harry: okay you guys are actually freaking me out

Harry: what is going on??

Ron: We just wanted to tell you something important

Harry: can’t you just text it to me now?

Ron: Well I guess we could

Hermione: No we can’t

Ron: No we can’t

Harry: :/

**11:32am, Draco’s phone**

Draco: can we get dinner tonight?

Uncle Sev: You are supposed to be doing a lab, not texting.

Draco: is that a yes?

Uncle Sev: I was under the impression that you were having dinner with those insects you call friends.

Draco: no, i’m getting lunch with those insects i call friends

Uncle Sev: Fine.

Uncle Sev: Meet me in my office at 6.

Uncle Sev: Don’t be late.

Draco: yay can do!

**12:04pm, Remus’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Remus: Cubby what time are you getting your bandages off?

Cub: like 7 why?

Remus: Okay, I’ll meet you in the infirmary

Cub: lol Papa you don’t have to come

Cub: it’s not a big deal

Remus: It’s a big deal

Love: yeah he has to go

Love: And then he has to facetime me in

Remus: Precisely

Cub: has anyone ever told you guys that you’re overprotective?

Love: I think you have

Remus: I like to think of us as extremely involved parents

**12:24pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _lunch time special_

Harry: OMG

Draco: what’s up?

Pansy: and where r u guys?

Harry: did you guys know that

Harry: RON AND HERMIONE ARE DATING???

Pansy: lmao yea why?

Ron: Omg what

Hermione: We haven’t told anyone besides Harry?

Blaise: you guys werent exactly subtle

Pansy: “we have to go work on a history project alone just the two of us three weeks in advance” like yeah okay captain obvious

Hermione: :|

Harry: this is not the reaction i wanted

Harry: i need to find a better audience

Pansy: sry love better luck next time

Draco: wait

Draco: i didn’t know they were dating??

Blaise: draco

Blaise: honey

Blaise: that’s cause you are not the brains in this relationship

**12:43pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Harry: OMG

Papa: What’s up??

Dad: Are you okay??

Harry: RON AND HERMIONE

Harry: ARE DATING!!!!!!

Dad: Omg is that seriously why you nearly gave me a heart attack?

Papa: Cubby you scared us

Harry: Um hello???

Harry: this is a BIG deal!!!

Dad: I thought they were already dating

Papa: I thought they were engaged

Harry: ???

Harry: did everyone except me see this coming?

Dad: yes

Papa: Did you not notice how they always argue?

Dad: And how Ron got mad at the last school dance?

Harry: ….

Harry: i didn’t realize that’s how straight people flirt

Dad: LMAO it is weird

Papa: So how did they start dating?

Harry: apparently they were hanging out a lot when i was in detention

Harry: and then they got put as partners for the history project

Harry: and they started making out in the library

Papa: Cubby I would really appreciate it if you would stop telling us about people making out

Harry: Papa

Harry: I have to tell the truth

Harry: the whole truth and nothing but the truth

Dad: since when??

Harry: since like 2 hours ago

Papa: ??

Harry: idk

Harry: it’s a new thing i’m trying

**2:11pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat: _lunch time special_

Harry: EMERGENCY

Draco: ????

Harry: there’s a flaw in the plan

Hermione: Shocker

Harry: i just remembered that we need to get all the bags of deer feed to the forest tonight

Ron: The forest??

Harry: but based on this morning i don’t think we’re strong enough

Blaise: oh im certainly not

Pansy: even if i was, i wouldnt do it

Ron: The forest that’s full of spiders? And killer wolves?

Harry: so we need something to carry them all in

Harry: like a wagon or something

Draco: a wagon?

Blaise: is this the 1800s?

Pansy: would u like me to call the local stableboy so he can procure us a horse?

Ron: Perhaps if we summon the governor he’ll assist us in our endeavors?

Harry: :|

Harry: please focus i’m serious

Ron: No that’s your dad

Harry: that’s it

Harry: i’m getting new friends

_5 minutes later_

Hermione: I have an idea

Ron: Omg what

Harry: Mione has an idea???

Harry: for a prank???

Hermione: One of the carts from the library could carry them all

Blaise: do they loan out library carts?

Hermione: Well

Hermione: No

Hermione: But Pince likes me

Pansy: wow i wonder what thats like

Hermione: And I’ll tell her that I can’t carry all the books that I borrowed in my bag

Pansy: wow i really wonder what thats like

Hermione: And she’ll let me use a cart to return them

Harry: omg

Harry: are you sure she’ll let you?

Hermione: Of course

Hermione: I’ve done it before

Ron: Of course you have

**2:31pm, Remus’ phone**

Remus: Are you texting

Remus: Hermione Jean Granger

Remus: In class

Remus: And she’s texting you back?

Remus: In class??

Cub: lmao why did you use her government name

Remus: I’m in shock

Remus: What is the universe coming to?

Harry: it’s just the effect i have on people Papa

**6:54pm, Draco’s phone**

Group chat: _lunch time special_

Draco: i feel

Draco: like a criminal

Ron: ?

Draco: i got uncle severus’ keys

Harry: omg yes

Harry: but also please don’t call him uncle severus

Draco: i had to pickpocket him

Draco: like a petty thief

Pansy: look at it this way draco

Pansy: if you get expelled you can always support harry with your new life of crime

Draco: oh wait pansy i had something important to tell you

Pansy: yeah?

[Draco removed Pansy from the chat]

**7:01pm, Sirius’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Sirius: don’t forget about me

Sirius: facetime me in!!

Babe: Right sorry Love I’m on my way to the infirmary now

Pup: i would just like to reiterate

Pup: this is unnecessary

Babe: Since when do you know what reiterate means?

Pup: :|

Sirius: have you been reading books?

Pup: I’m gonna tell Pomfrey not to let you in

Pup: you two are bad for my well being

Babe: Too late, I’m already here

**8:15pm, Remus’ phone**

Group chat: _DadsRUs_

Remus: Have a good night Cubby

Love: sleep tight

Love: don’t let the bed bugs bite

Cub: lmao thank you dads

Cub: Wait Papa

Remus: Yes Honey?

Cub: i was wondering if you know which teachers are on watch tonight?

Remus: Why?

Cub: I was just wondering

Remus: You’re not trying to sneak back into Draco’s dorm, are you?

Cub: omg no!!

Cub: i swear i was just curious

Remus: …

Cub: okay fine

Cub: i was gonna go ask Mr. Binns for help with the history project

Cub: but i guess it can wait till morning

Remus: Yes it can

Remus: Besides, I think it’s Severus and Minerva on duty tonight, so you would not want to be caught out of bed

Cub: oh you’re right

Cub: okay thanks dads, goodnight!!

Love: Good night Puppy

Remus: Good night Cubby

**8:20pm, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: What do you think he’s planning?

Babe: He’s definitely trying to sneak back into Draco’s room

Sirius: I’m just saying

Sirius: I still have the convent on speed dial

Babe: At this rate I might take you up on that offer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> St. Lucia's School for Catholic Girls is an actual place i looked it up


	9. Operation Fuck Snape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is hands down the most ridiculous thing i've ever written..................compels me though

**Tuesday, 4:00am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Harry: okay is everyone up?

Blaise: unfortunately

Hermione: I’m up

Harry: pansy?

Pansy: im up in theory

Harry: in theory??

Pansy: in practice im dead

Draco: ^^

Harry: okay good everyone’s up

Harry: should we use codenames?

Ron: Omg yes

Draco: no

Pansy: no

Hermione: No

Blaise: no

Harry: i’m thinking they could be based off our houses

Harry: like i can be lion 1 and Ron can be lion 2

Ron: Omg and Hermione can be Lioness

Hermione: No

Harry: yes!!

Pansy: im so close to going back to bed

Harry: don’t go back to bed!!

Harry: and Draco can be snake 1 and Blaise can be snake 2

Blaise: why am i not snake 1?

Draco: boyfriends get first place

Ron: And Pansy can be whatever the female version of snake is

Pansy: ??

Draco: snakess?

Hermione: That’s not a thing

Harry: okay Pansy is snakess

Pansy: :|

Harry: Hermione do you have the cart?

Hermione: Yes, it’s in the common room

Ron: okay Team Snake come to Gryffindor Tower and we’ll let you in

Blaise: we’re team snake now?

Ron: that was implied

Harry: wait also there’s one more flaw in the plan

Pansy: why am i not surprised

Harry: Snape and McGonagall are on watch tonight

Blaise: oh

Hermione: No

Harry: oh yes

Draco: why did you pick tonight??

Harry: i didn’t know!

Harry: my dad only told me tonight

Hermione: Mr. Lupin knows we’re doing this???

Harry: no he thinks i'm gonna try to sneak into Draco’s room again

Harry: that’s not the point

Harry: the point is we need a decoy

Pansy: a decoy?

Pansy: is this a movie?

Harry: that’s what i’m going for

Ron: Hermione should go talk to McGonagall, she likes her

Hermione: No

Ron: ??

Hermione: If I talk to Ms. McGonagall they’ll know this prank was Harry’s idea because I’m Harry’s friend

Hermione: One of the Slytherin’s should go because they’d never expect them to be pulling a prank on Mr. Snape

Blaise: omg ur right

Pansy: wow mione really is the smartest in our class

Hermione: Omg you think I’m the smartest in the class?

Ron: Hermione we’ve been over this

Draco: okay so i’ll go talk to uncle sev and pansy can go talk to mcgonagall

Pansy: why do i have to talk to mcgonagall?

Draco: cause you’ll go back to bed if we don’t give you something to do

Pansy: yea that’s true

Harry: Blaise should go talk to snape

Harry: you have to come with me cause you have the keys Draco

Draco: ugh fine

Blaise: um excuse me

Blaise: what are we supposed to tell snape and mcgonagall??

Harry: idk just make something up

Ron: say someone broke into your room

Hermione: Don’t say that

Draco: say there’s a party happening in the basements or something

Pansy: so just lie?

Harry: lie like your life depends on it

Harry: cause starting now, it does

Pansy: what???

Harry: i’m just kidding

Harry: i just like the drama

Harry: okay does everyone know what they’re doing

Ron: yes Lion 1

Hermione: Yes

Pansy: unfortunately

Blaise: yes

Draco: yes sir

Blaise: ooo sir? that’s kinky

Draco: :/

Draco: please don’t

Harry: Okay initiating operation

Harry: wait I didn’t think of an operation name

Hermione: Operation Get Expelled

Blaise: operation we didn’t think this through

Draco: operation why am i dating you

Ron: Operation Fuck Snape

Harry: Initiating Operation Fuck Snape!!!

**4:35am, Draco’s phone**

Draco: okay i'm here, let me in

_ 1 minute later _

Draco: i'm here let me in

_ 3 minutes later _

Draco: harry i'm gonna get caught if you don’t let me in!!

Harry: sorry sorry coming

Harry: we spilled one of the bags all over the floor and we were cleaning it up  


Draco: is the cart all ready?

Harry: just a few more bags of deer feed and then we can head to the forest

Draco: oh dear

Harry: literally oh deer

**4:45am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Harry: Team Decoy, Team Lion is on the move

Harry: I repeat, Team Lion is on the move

Blaise: team decoy is having a situation

Ron: What’s happening??

Pansy: harry’s dad lied

Harry: what???

Blaise: yeah it’s not snape and mcgonagall on watch

Draco: who’s on watch?

Pansy: mr. binns

Ron: Oh that’s good then

Blaise: and harry’s dad

Harry: oh no

Blaise: and he’s in the entrance hall

Hermione: Oh No

Pansy: what should we do now? we’re hiding in a bathroom down the hall

Harry: stick to the same plan

Harry: just lie to distract him and get him out of there

Hermione: Tell him you need help with this week’s assignment!

Pansy: me asking for help?? he’ll never buy it

Draco: tell him there’s a party like i said

Draco: and he’ll go with you to check

Blaise: and when we get downstairs and there’s no party?

Draco: that’s a problem for when you get downstairs

Ron: You’d better hurry

Ron: We’re almost to the entrance hall

**4:52pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Blaise: okay the wolf has left the hall

Blaise: i repeat, the wolf has left the hall

Harry: the wolf?

Ron: Who likes code names now?

Pansy: guys how long do we need to keep him distracted for?

Harry: I’m thinking like an hour?

Blaise: an HOUR??

Blaise: that’s simply impossible

Draco: just improvise!

Pansy: for an hour???

Harry: honestly two hours would be best

**5:04am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Harry: make sure your phones are on silent

Harry: turn off vibrate too

Harry: but text if you need to say something

Harry: we can’t scare the deers away

Hermione: I can’t believe you convinced me to do this!!!

Ron: It didn’t even take that much convincing

**5:33am, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Pansy: are you guys done yet!

Draco: no

Harry: one of the deers is following us back to the school but we have to go slow so we don’t scare it away

Blaise: well you better hurry

Blaise: we’ve lost the wolf

Harry: ???

Blaise: we lost lupin

Harry: oh no

Draco: i told you to improvise!!

Pansy: we did!!

Pansy: when we got downstairs and there was no party we told him it mustve split up

Blaise: we even made up who was throwing it and who was invited

Pansy: yea so crabbe and goyle will be in trouble tomorrow

Blaise: then i told him one of the toilets in the second floor bathroom was broken so he took us to his office to write a work order for filch

Pansy: then i said i needed help with next week’s assignment and that was when we started to lose him

Blaise: yeah he said it could wait till the morning

Pansy: so then i started saying i liked his clothes and asking him where he bought them

Ron: You like his clothes?

Pansy: i was running out of ideas

Blaise: then i started saying i liked his hair and asking about how he does it

Harry: ??

Harry: were you guys flirting with my dad??

Pansy: it honestly just came naturally to us

Blaise: but he said if we didn’t go back to bed he’d have to give us detention

Pansy: so now we’re once again hiding in a bathroom

Harry: is he in the entrance hall again?

Blaise: no he’s on the third floor right now

Ron: Okay perfect snape’s study hall is on the ground floor

Blaise: yea but lupin might leave at any moment

Harry: i have an idea

Pansy: that doesn’t inspire confidence

Harry: but it involves Draco getting detention

Draco: what?

Pansy: nevermind i love this idea

Harry: the entrance to Gryffindor is on the third floor

Harry: my dad thought i was gonna sneak out to see Draco

Harry: but what if he catches Draco sneaking in to see me?

Hermione: Okay that’s actually genius

Draco: how is that genius??

Harry: he’ll be distracted because he’s catching you

Harry: and then he’ll be distracted cause he’ll take you to his office to write a detention slip

Hermione: And his office is on the second floor so he won’t see us

Draco: he’ll see me!

Harry: and we’ll be done before he ever knew we were out of bed

Draco: he’ll know i’m out of bed!!

Pansy: take one for the team draco

Draco: i don’t want to take one for the team

Draco: and my dad will kill me when he finds out i got detention

Ron: There are some things worth dying for

Draco: no there are not!!!

Hermione: Draco we’re almost at the hall, please just do it

Draco: absolutely not

Harry: oh c’monnn i love a bad boy

Harry: getting detention is hot

Draco: …

Draco: fine i’ll do it

Pansy: HAHAHA

Blaise: does that ever fail?

Harry: literally never

**5:54am, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Draco: okay i have eyes on the wolf

Harry: where did you guys get wolf from?

Blaise: we have eyes on snake 2

Ron: You’re snake 2?

Blaise: i've promoted myself to snake 1

Hermione: We’re in the entrance hall with the deer

Pansy: omg please send pics

[Harry sent a picture]

[Ron sent a picture]

[Hermione sent a picture]

Pansy: omg omg omg

Pansy: that’s an actual deer

Blaise: this is literally the craziest thing you guys have ever done

Harry: crazier than when me and Ron stole a car?

Blaise: ok nevermind

**6:13am, Draco’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Draco: okay i’ve got detention

Draco: i hope this stupid plan worked

Ron: It did!

Harry: there is now a deer locked in snape’s classroom

Blaise: wow i feel like a weasley twin right now

Hermione: I feel like a delinquent

Blaise: yeah same thing

Pansy: it won’t hurt itself in there will it?

Harry: mmmm i hope not

Harry: we moved all the desks to the side and dumped out the rest of the deer feed in the middle so it would have something to eat

Ron: Snape will probably be up in a few hours, it’ll be fine

Draco: you guys should run back to gryffindor

Draco: lupin’s taking me to slytherin now

Pansy: i can’t believe this worked

Hermione: Me either

Harry: me either

Hermione: Harry!!

Harry: what?

Hermione: The whole thing was your idea!!

Harry: that doesn’t mean it was a good idea

Ron: Yeah that pretty much guarantees it was a bad idea

Harry: yeah i’m surprised you guys listened to me

Hermione: :|

Draco: :/

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also writing this thing made me realize....... why were professors at Hogwarts always prowling the halls at night catching students? Like were they not getting any sleep?? Simply hire a security troll and move on


	10. bad news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is more than twice as long as usual chapters because i wanted to include so many things

**Tuesday, 6:25am, Remus’ phone**

Remus: I think I might take you up on the convent

Love: What’s up?

Remus: ?? You’re not usually up this early

Love: I always have my phone on when you’re at school just in case you need me

Remus: That

Remus: Is so romantic

Remus: That honestly makes me want to marry you again

Love: Haha I’m ready to renew our vows any day

Love: what’s going on?

Remus: You’re gonna be upset

Love: oh no

Remus: I was on watch last night

Love: I thought Minerva and snivellus were on watch?

Remus: Okay please don’t call him Snivellus

Love: but that’s his name

Remus: …

Remus: Anyway

Remus: I only told Harry that so he wouldn’t try to sneak out again

Love: He snuck out again didn’t he?

Remus: Nope

Remus: I caught Draco sneaking in

Love: I’m

Love: going to strangle that boy

Remus: Draco or Harry?

Love: Both

Remus: Pffft

Remus: I gave Draco detention but Harry is probably still sleeping so I haven’t talked to him yet

Love: I can talk to him

Remus: Oh absolutely not

Love: why not??

Remus: Sirius, I love you, but I don’t trust you

Love: oh come on

Love: I can be reasonable!!

Remus: Telling Harry to wait until marriage is not reasonable

Love: I wasn’t gonna say that!

Love: I was gonna tell him to wait until retirement

Remus: That's even worse

**6:32am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: gooooooooooooooood

Harry: morning dads!!!!

Papa: What are you doing up so early?

Harry: I’m turning over a new leaf

Harry: i’m a morning person now

Dad: how’s that going?

Harry: not well

Harry: mornings suck

Papa: Harry honey

Harry: that’s me

Papa: Do you have something to tell us?

Harry: ?

Papa: Do you have something you want to tell us?

Harry: Um

Harry: do you guys like your friendship bracelets?

Dad: I love mine

Dad: haven’t taken it off yet

Papa: Neither have I

Harry: i

Papa: But that’s not what I meant

Harry: could Cry

Papa: Harry

Harry: I’ll make you guys some more

Papa: Harry last night I caught Draco trying to sneak into Gryffindor dorm

Harry: oh

Harry: that’s

Harry: really interesting Papa

Papa: Young man.

Harry: i hate it when you call me young man

Papa: You know that’s not allowed!

Papa: Didn’t we just have this talk?

Harry: well I think technically we talked about me not sneaking into Slytherin

Papa: Harry.

Harry: sorry

Harry: it won’t happen again

Dad: That’s what you said last time

Harry: Dad!!

Dad: you did!

Papa: Cubby if this behavior continues you will be grounded

Harry: okay

Harry: and what does grounded mean again?

Papa: No video games, no soccer, no hanging out at the Weasleys'

Dad: And no Draco

Harry: What!

Dad: You’ll be breaking up with Draco if you’re grounded

Harry: that’s not fair!!

Papa: You won’t have to break up with Draco

Dad: :(

Papa: But he won’t be allowed over again if you keep this up

Dad: :)

Harry: ugh fine

Papa: I know you really like Draco but you have to use a little bit of self control

Papa: You two text all day long, you don’t need to spend the night together too

Harry: all right i get it

Harry: i’m sorry it really won’t happen again

Papa: Good

_ 2 minutes later _

Harry: are you guys mad at me?

Dad: No Puppy

Papa: Of course not Cubby

Papa: We just don’t want you getting in trouble over a boy

Papa: Trust me, boys are not worth it

Papa: They just eat your food and waste your time

Dad: Hey!!

Harry: lmao Papaaa

Dad: Do I eat your food and waste your time?

Papa: That’s all you’ve been doing since the day we met

**6:46am, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: Don’t you think you’re kind of giving hypocritical advice

Babe: ?? About what?

Sirius: “we don’t want you getting in trouble over a boy”

Babe: What are you talking about?

Sirius: I remember

Sirius: a certain Remus J. Lupin

Babe: Oh stop it

Sirius: getting in trouble over a boy every other week

Babe: I don’t remember that

Sirius: You don’t?

Babe: Not at all

Sirius: Cause I seem to recall you sneaking out most nights to make out with some handsome dark haired boy in empty classrooms

Babe: That never happened

Sirius: And how all he had to do was kiss you to get you to go along with any prank

Babe: That’s not true

Sirius: And there was that one time

Babe: No there wasn’t

Sirius: when Slughorn

Sirius: caught you and that handsome dark haired boy

Babe: Stop it

Sirius: in the third floor bathroom

Sirius: and you

Sirius: were on

Babe: That’s enough.

Sirius: Lmao

Babe: Your memory must be going

Sirius: you think?

Babe: Yes

Babe: I’m certain that dark-haired boy wasn’t handsome at all

Sirius: Hey!!!

Babe: I’m just kidding

Babe: James was very handsome

Sirius: HEY

Babe: Hahaha I’m sorry I’ll stop

Sirius: :/

Babe: You were very handsome too Love

Sirius: were?

Babe: Are

Sirius: That's better  


Sirius: also I wanted to ask

Sirius: Are you free for lunch today?

Babe: Yeah

Babe: Wanna facetime?

Sirius: yes please

Sirius: Invite Harry too please

Babe: Of course

Sirius: <3

_ 2 minutes later _

Sirius: do the heart back

Babe: No

Sirius: Do it back!

Babe: Absolutely not

Sirius: Or no lunch!

Babe: Oh my gosh fine

Babe: <3

Sirius: <3 <3 <3

Babe: Oh my

**6:53am, Draco’s phone**

Draco: i’m kind of nervous

Harry: ??

Draco: i’ve never done anything this bad before

Harry: lmao

Draco: i’ve never even had detention before

Draco: what if we get suspended

Draco: or expelled

Harry: aren’t you,,, an heiress

Harry: why would you be afraid of getting expelled

Draco: okay first of all

Draco: i’m definitely not an heiress

Harry: you’re super mega rich

Draco: i’m a boy!!

Harry: yes and?

Draco: so i’m an HEIR

Harry: oh same difference

Harry: second of all

Harry: we’re not gonna get caught

Harry: i just talked to my dad he doesn’t suspect a thing

Harry: we’re in the clear

Draco: we better be

Harry: which means that

Harry: now

Draco: ?

Harry: we can start planning our next prank

Draco: oh absolutely not

Harry: it’ll be fun!!

Draco: i don’t consider constant danger fun

Harry: you’ll get used to it

Draco: :/

Draco: don’t tell me you’ve already got another prank planned

Harry: well not yet but i’m working on it

Draco: as long as it’s not uncle sev again

Draco: at this rate he’s going to murder you in your sleep

Harry: omg

Harry: what if we prank my dad

Draco: mr lupin???

Harry: yeah!

Draco: absolutely not

Harry: why not?

Draco: i’m not making sirius mad!!

Draco: i enjoy being alive!!

Harry: lmao Dad won’t be mad he’ll think it’s funny

Draco: well i don’t want to make mr lupin mad either

Draco: i have a good grade in his class and i want to keep it

Harry: oh come on nothing bad will happen

Draco: i’m still not doing it

Harry: and i’ll be eternally grateful

Draco: i’m not listening

Harry: i’ll do whatever you want

Draco: nope

Harry: i’ll let you raw me

Draco: HARRY

Harry: haha just kidding

Harry: unless you want to

Draco: i’m leaving this conversation now

Harry: no come on please!!

Harry: one more prank

Harry: just for me

Harry: please

Draco: ugh fine whatever

Draco: the things i do for love

Harry: you love me?

Draco: … 

Draco: i’ve already told you i love you you dunce

Harry: yea but it’s nice to be reminded

Draco: goodbye

**7:01am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ study hall hell _

Lavender: Oh

Parvati: omg

Lavender: My

Parvati: omg

Lavender: God

Parvati: omg

Dean: What’s going on?

Neville: are you guys okay??

Lavender: Someone put a deer in Snape’s classroom!

Parvati: like an actual real live deer

Lavender: Snape is screaming like a mad man

Seamus: WHAT

Neville: omg how!!!

Dean: HAHAHAH you’re lying

Lavender: Check snapchat!!

Parvati: snape is screaming at the top of his lungs

Parvati: my eardrums are about to give out

Neville: can one of you get me breakfast?

Neville: i’m too scared to walk past snape when he’s like that

Dean: What’s he screaming??

Parvati: well it’s kind of hard to make it out

Lavender: It’s mostly something like “I’m going to kill him” over and over

Neville: oh no

Seamus: Kill who??

Parvati: hold on we’re listening

_ 1 minute later _

Parvati: omg

Lavender: Omg

Lavender: He’s saying he’s going to kill Harry Potter

Seamus: AHAHAHA WHAT

Neville: HARRY?

Dean: HARRY YOU DIDN’T

_ 6 minutes later _

Harry: i swear i’m innocent

**7:17am, Remus’ phone**

Minerva: Please tell me it wasn’t your son.

Remus: ?

Minerva: The wild deer, Remus.

Remus: Pardon?

[Minerva sent a picture]

[Minerva sent a picture]

[Minerva sent a picture]

Remus: Oh my

Minerva: It’s a full grown stag, with antlers and everything.

Remus: Yes

Remus: Wow

Minerva: Severus wants the student responsible expelled.

Remus: I’m sure it couldn’t have been just one student

Minerva: He has not stopped screaming for twenty minutes.

Remus: I can imagine

Minerva: And he’s convinced it’s Harry.

Remus: I can promise you it wasn’t Harry

**7:20am, Remus’ phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Remus: HARRY

Remus: JAMES

Remus: POTTER

Cub: Papa I’ve spent all morning making you another friendship bracelet

Remus: Get your butt down to my office

Cub: i haven’t done anything

Remus: RIGHT NOW

Cub: coming

Love: What’s going on?

Remus: I’ll call you after I’m done yelling at Harry

Remus: But in the meantime, call that convent

**7:48am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ lunch time special _

Harry: okay so my dad knows

Hermione: WHAT

Draco: WHAT

Blaise: omg how the turns table

Draco: you said we were in the clear!!

Harry: i’m sorry!!

Harry: he called me to his office to yell at me and i just confessed everything

Ron: Mate!!

Harry: i couldn’t help it!!

Harry: i don’t like when he’s mad at me

Pansy: omg u are such a mama’s boy

Harry: yes

Harry: yes i am

Hermione: Oh my god I’m going to be expelled

Harry: well i didn’t actually say anyone’s name

Harry: but i said i did it with help from friends

Harry: and that just narrows it down a lot

Ron: A lot a lot

Hermione: Oh my god what am I going to do

Hermione: I’m never going to go to college and I’m never going to get a job and I’m going to have to spend the rest of my life living with my parents and eating Taco Bell

Pansy: what’s wrong with taco bell??

Harry: Mione chill

Harry: you’re not in trouble

Harry: my dad doesn’t want me expelled either so he’s not gonna tell anyone

Harry: we just also can’t tell anyone

Blaise: what do you mean by ‘anyone’

Harry: like don’t go around telling people we’re the ones who did it

Blaise: what if i already told some people

Draco: oh my god blaise

Harry: who’d you tell?

Blaise: just a few people

Blaise: like my whole snapchat story

Harry: oh my

Ron: Hermione are you still there?

Blaise: and my whole insta story

Blaise: and my email list

Draco: you have an email list?

Blaise: that’s not important

Pansy: i also told some people

Draco: do you have an email list too?

Pansy: mind ur own business

Ron: I’m gonna go check on Hermione

Harry: Omg

Harry: just stop telling people

Harry: if anyone asks deny that it was us

Harry: they have no proof so as long as we don’t say anything we can’t get in trouble

Blaise: okay i’ll go take down my stories

Pansy: i’ll go unsend my email

Draco: wait so we’re really not getting in trouble?

Harry: i mean my dad gave me detention 

Harry: but yea we’re really in the clear

Draco: i don’t understand your life

Pansy: well i love it

Blaise: yea draco i’m so glad we started dating harry potter

Draco: :/  


**8:02am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ Golden trio xxx _

Harry: ummmm

Harry: what’s going on?

Harry: why are you both late to class?

Ron: Sorry I was checking on Hermione

Ron: She was trying to drown herself in the shower

Ron: But we’re on our way now

**8:32am, Sirius’ phone**

Sirius: Remus

Sirius: Love

Sirius: Babe

Sirius: Honey

Sirius: Dear

Babe: ?

Sirius: I know

Sirius: that you’re really mad at Harry

Sirius: but I haven’t stopped laughing since you called me

Babe: Oh my god

Sirius: I actually can’t breathe

Sirius: Please call me and tell me the story again

Babe: No!

Babe: And anyway I’m in class!

Sirius: A Stag!!!

Sirius: a full on wild deer!!!

Babe: You are a terrible influence

Babe: This is why he’s like this

Sirius: Please let me buy him a car

Babe: Absolutely not!

Babe: Besides, he doesn’t even know how to drive

Sirius: I’ll teach him, he deserves it

Sirius: You can’t tell me this isn’t the height of comedy

Sirius: James would be so proud

_ 6 minutes later _

Babe: Yeah he would be

**9:51am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ study hall hell _

Dean: Study hall’s cancelled!!!!!

Dean: They’re still waiting for animal control to get the deer out of snape’s room

Seamus: HELL YEAH

Seamus: I’m going back to bed

Parvati: seamus it’s 10 am 

Seamus: Yeah and??

Neville: harry did you seriously put a deer in snape’s classroom?

Neville: i heard it tried to run him through on its horns

Lavender: They’re called antlers Neville

Lavender: But yeah it did

Seamus: I heard it peed on him

Dean: I heard snape peed himself

Ron: HAHAHA please tell me that’s true

Harry: guys of course i didn’t

Harry: how could i get a deer in his classroom?

Seamus: Who else hates Snape bad enough to try?

Parvati: yeah exactly

Harry: okay fair point

Ron: But all the guys saw Harry get in bed last night

Ron: He was fast asleep by like 9

Ron: How could he have done it??

Neville: oh yeah you’re right

Dean: Maybe it was Fred and George

Seamus: Oh yeah they’re complete mad men

Harry: haha yeah it had to be Fred and George

**10:42am, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ Gred and Feorge _

Fred: Lovely husband

Harry: you know Draco really doesn’t like that you call me that

George: This is your best work yet

Fred: Snape almost dies before first period?

George: AND we get the credit?

George: At this point I’m ready to marry you too

Harry: ahahaha let’s not do that

Fred: Too late

Fred: I’m booking the chapel

**11:50am, Remus’ phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Remus: Cubby come down to my office for lunch

Cub: am i still in trouble?

Remus: Not for now

Remus: Dad wants us to facetime him in for lunch

Cub: omg yes!! Coming

Love: No I don’t

Cub: what?

Remus: You just asked me this morning?

Love: Hmm did I?

Love: I must’ve misspoke

Remus: ?

Cub: so no lunch? :(

Love: No we can still do lunch Puppy

Remus: ??

Cub: I’m So Confused

Love: Check my location

Cub : OMG STOP

Remus: Sirius!

Cub: i’m literally running to the parking lot don’t move!

Love: Hahaha

Love: I wanted to surprise you guys!

Love: I brought a picnic and everything, I hope that’s okay?

Remus: Aw of course

Remus: I’m coming to the parking lot too

Love: Are you also running?

Remus: Teachers don’t run in the halls

Love: Is that a yes?

Remus: … 

Remus: I’m walking quickly

**12:52pm, Harry’s phone**

Group chat:  _ DadsRUs _

Harry: can you stay for dinner too Dad?

Dad: Haha I’m sorry Puppy but I gotta get back

Harry: :(((

Dad: maybe I can come for dinner a different day

Harry: :))

Harry: omg i have an idea

Papa: What’s that?

Harry: what if Dad gets a job as a teacher here?

Harry: then we can always be together all week long

Papa: Oh I would love to see that

Dad: Lmao I don’t really know if teaching is my thing

Harry: the cat can run the shop while you’re gone

Dad: the cat??

Dad: you think my job is that easy?

Harry: i mean i assume you just sit around all day and miss us

Papa: I also thought that was what you did

Dad: asldkf

Dad: Okay well you’re not wrong

Dad: but it’s more work than the cat can handle!

**1:57pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: why’d i just see you leaving mcgonagall’s office?

Harry: she was asking me about the deer

Draco: omg don’t tell me you confessed everything again

Harry: lmao no don’t worry

Harry: i’m a great liar when it’s not my dads

Harry: they’ll never catch me purple handed

Draco: ??

Draco: isn’t it red-handed?

Harry: hm

Harry: no i’m pretty sure it’s purple

**3:53pm, Harry’s phone**

Harry: good news

Harry: i just checked and we have detention with Sprout

Draco: what’s that mean?

Harry: she’s really chill

Harry: like she won’t let us use our phones

Harry: but usually she just has me help make microscope slides and she lets me look at them under the microscope too

Draco: do you have all the detention styles memorized?

Harry: yes

Harry: my dad’s is the best  


Harry: and snape’s is the worst (obviously)

Draco: i feel like you’re biased

Harry: yes but i’m also right

Harry: after detention, wanna go on a double date?

Draco: with ron and pansy?

Harry: haha no with Ron and Hermione

Harry: they’re thinking of going down to Hogsmeade

Harry: but if you invite Blaise and Pansy it can be a triple date

Draco: i don’t think triple dates are a thing

Harry: they’re a thing if we say they’re a thing

Draco: lmao

Draco: yea sure let’s go on a triple date

Harry: <3

**5:00pm, Draco’s phone**

Uncle Sev: How interesting that the day after you ask me to get dinner, a set of my keys should go missing and a wild deer should be let into my classroom.

Draco: yea how interesting

Uncle Sev: And how interesting that the main suspect should be Harry Potter.

Draco: why’s that interesting?

Uncle Sev: And how interesting that I have heard countless rumors about how you and Harry Potter are in a relationship. 

Draco: well

Draco: you know how rumors are

Uncle Sev: Typically, based in truth.

Draco: i wouldn’t say that

Uncle Sev: I wonder what your father would say?

Draco: please don’t

**7:24pm, Draco’s phone**

Mom: Hi sweetheart

Draco: hi mom

Mom: Your father and I got a call from Uncle Severus today

Draco: oh god

Mom: I suppose 1 detention in 5 years isn’t too bad

Draco: is father mad?

Mom: Yes he’s a little upset about the detention

Draco: oh

_ 7 minutes later _

Draco: is that all uncle sev said?

Mom: Well, no

_ 2 minutes later _

Mom: I didn’t know Harry was your boyfriend

_ 8 minutes later _

Draco: um yea

Draco: he is

Mom: Well he seemed very sweet when I met him

Mom: Very polite

Draco: yea he is

Draco: is father mad?

Mom: He hasn’t really said anything about it yet

Mom: He went to his office to do some work after we got off the phone

Draco: oh

_ 3 minutes later _

Draco: so should i pack my bags?

Mom: What?

Draco: am i disowned or just kicked out?

Mom: What are you talking about?

Draco: father already thinks i’m a failure of a son

Draco: i assumed this would be the final straw

Mom: Oh Draco honey, no

Mom: I know your father has a short temper sometimes but you’re not a failure at anything

Mom: And there are no straws

Mom: We would never kick you out

Draco: does father think that?

Mom: I don’t care what Father thinks

Mom: You’re my son and I love you and nothing could change that

Mom: You could be dating your principal for all I care

Draco: EW mom!!

Mom: It’s true!

Mom: I love you Draco

Mom: I’m sorry if I ever let you doubt that

_ 5 minutes later _

Draco: i love you too mom

Mom: You know, you should invite Harry over for dinner

Draco: what?

Draco: why?

Mom: Now that you have a boyfriend I have to meet him

Draco: you’ve already met him

Mom: Meet him formally

Draco: yea i don’t want to do that

Mom: How about Friday?

Draco: i’ll think about it

Mom: I’ll take that as a yes

**8:30pm, Draco’s phone**

Draco: hey

Harry: lmao do you miss me already?

Draco: no

Draco: i just didn’t have the guts to say this in person

Draco: i have some bad news

Harry: what’s wrong?

Draco: my parents know about us

Harry: oh

Draco: and they want to meet you

Harry: oh no

Harry: that is bad news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> would the canon Severus Snape out an innocent child over a stupid prank? Yes he would. Did i include that just to set up the next fic in this series? Yes i did.
> 
> And that is once again a wrap!!
> 
> Thank you guys so much for reading/commenting/kudos'ing. It is the only thing that sustains my lifeforce <3
> 
> i already have ideas for the third (and possibly fourth) work in this series, but knowing myself it will probably be finished in another 6 months. But soon i'll be done with school and then it will be over for you bitches.
> 
> also feel free to leave suggestions for where you want this series to go--some people did that last time and i thought they were funny and tried to include some of them!
> 
> <3<3<3<3

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to say a big big Big thanks to everyone who read the last fic and left such nice comments!!! I know i didn't respond to all of them but they all really made my day.


End file.
